journey to nowhere

like forces of nature
emotions turn us from the norm
and who has the skills
to forecast the next storm?

we're at the mercy
of what goes on inside
we think we're the captain
it's all just foolish pride

no one can navigate
the islands that dwell within
the water's too choppy
the ice a little too thin

expeditions are met
with disappointing ends
we should have listened to family
we should have followed our friends

and just live our lives
with no need for explanation
live fully and ride the waves
like the rest of the nation

but I keep making the journey
and looking for the source
the wellspring of feelings
I haven't found it of course

like searching for the famed
fabled fountain of youth
I am seeking my own
deeper inner truth

sadness

"once bitten
twice shy"
thrice bitten
rotten way to die
but I lived
and was bit again
and nipped
each time
tearing the flesh
draining the lifeblood
each time
tearing my soul
depleting my reserve
but I kept walking
through the door
like I had the answer
confident to a fault
I would fix this

how do you fix one thing
when it's actually two different things?

blind and deaf
I ignored the inner voices
and what i could see

I would repair the damage
I didn't inflict

I would repair the damage
I didn't deserve

I would repair the damage
deemed too severe

I would

keep walking through the door

I believed the words
full of deception
dishonesty
lies

I believed you again
and again
and again
again

broken records don't repeat
as often as I did

walking through the door

I dreamt of driving
straight out of town

stopping only when necessary
no destination in mind

just distance

and when i got out of the car
I walked through the door

the fights were awful
brutal
often

there were reasons for them

but I ignored the facts
I could fix it
I could be the answer
the answer to your prayers
but you didn't pray
not for me
and I kept walking through the door

day after day
the same routine
the same forced smiles
the same lies

I recall making love one night
(although to be fair,
it was having sex at that point)
and you had no energy
no enthusiasm
you lay, still, cold

later you said I repulse you
I still hear the words
I wanted to vomit
sick to my stomach
those words made me, and make me

I kept walking through the door

The times you stayed after work
and you weren't there

the excuses
the situations
the denial

massive amounts of denial

you never could just say it
you never could just speak the truth
you never wanted to hurt anyone
but you did, constantly

we sat on the front porch
and talked about what each of us would take
when we separated

but we didn't

we both kept walking through the door

you weren't happy
you were scared to tell the truth
about your feelings
that you wanted out

so you went out
again
and again
and again

the whole broken record
repeat
repeat
repeat

and it hurt
both of us
all of us

it hurt everyone

and it still does

I fight it
I say that things will get better
I convince myself that this is different

and I walk through the door

when will I open my eyes
and see the trap behind the door?

the same hole I keep falling into
like a bad dream
floating towards a bitter end
nothing to grab
nowhere can I find purchase

just adrift towards an inevitable end

I am a fool
and fools fall
right through the door
again

I never wanted it to be about me
but it was all along

we're never as good looking, smart or heroic
as we think we are

we're never as charming, or slim or good
as we set out to be

we're never quite the same image
of what we see in our minds

and when we look into the mirror
of other people's eyes

we don't like what we see
unless they are saying

what we want to hear
distorting what is real

creating the image
we hope we are

helping us achieve
the ultimate lie

Wicked

the means to the end
were manipulated by the one
trusted soul, without remorse
driven by self satisfying
delusions, reckless abandon
and wanting

beings intermingled
in heated desire
amid the tragedy

the actions
the ideas
the movements

graphic
obscene
beautiful

the emotions
the feelings
the wanting

graphic
obscene
surreal

and the one
the chosen one
self chosen

directing every nuance
indulging in every
pleasure

cedes to the
realization
that

nothing planned
nothing plotted
nothing yearned

could ever be
this good
this intense

or

wicked

giving up

where do I begin
and where do I end?

what is happening?
how my will does bend

I'm giving up
and giving in
to the fact that I
cannot win

in this life

where did I go wrong
and where did I go right?

and what did I do
to push you out of sight?

I'm giving up
and giving in
to the fact that I
cannot live

this life

When I tried to make amends
where did I go wrong?

When I tried to show you love
you danced to a different song

and songwriter
and the dance has never been the same

I'm giving up
and giving in
to the fact that I
don't fit in

I'm giving up
and giving in
to the fact that I
finally surrender

to the ghosts
of your
indiscretions

remnants of the phoenix

unintentional incident
of ridiculous proportions
unintentional accident
of heartfelt emotion

took a chance
took a shot

shot down
in flames again
free falling
in flames again

unrequited attention
to unabashed beauty
unintentional explosion
of heartfelt emotion

took the step
took the shot

shot down
falling again
in flames
in flames again

unexpected reaction
of brutal honesty
unintentional foolishness
growing inside of me

took a chance
took the shot

shot down
in flames again
falling again
shot down in flames

rise from the ashes
ready for another flight
rise to the occasion
ready for another fight

shoot me down
I'll get back up again
set my heart aflame
I'll be back again

silence

sometimes there is so much to say
that the words get tangled
jumbled and confused
paragraphs become random sentences
sentences are reduced to nonsensical fragments
fragments thin out to individual words
words that float about freely
unchained from their original ideas
but still somehow connected and powerful

beautiful

regret

glimpse

hope

understanding

relief

fear

eyes

promises

heart



The words say it all and say nothing
they never get spoken
because I once said

I wouldn't mention it again

before it started

what was I supposed to say
it wouldn't have mattered anyway
What was I supposed to do
It was going to be done without you

There's no reason
to be brokenhearted
it was over
before it ever started

who am I supposed to blame
even though everything is the same
what am I supposed to do
just pretend it was never you

There's no reason
to be so hard headed
it's better today
no matter where it was headed

just close my eyes
and fantasize
about what could have been

if it wasn't for
wasn't for

just close my eyes
and realize
about what still can be

so much more
much more

There's no reason
to be brokenhearted
it was over
before it ever started

it never ended
so there is still
a
chance

ask

if you could only see
what goes on inside my head
than again,
maybe it's better if you didn't

you probably wouldn't understand
I would try to explain
translate the images
for you

if you would only


ask

insane

ripping
gripping
agonizing
evermore

tear my flesh
to stop the pain
deny my soul
to start again
forgive my sins
they're all in vain
tear my flesh
start over again

the tearing
the tears in my eyes
the searing
the hope despite
circumstances
beyond all control
still I hold out
I really have to know

tear my flesh
to start the pain
deny my soul
to stop again
forgive my sins
they're all the same
tear my flesh
what's in a name

play the game
stay the same
deny the flame
it's all insane

play the game
try to refrain
it's all insane
it's all the same

tear my eyes out
so I can't see
what it is that
you are doing to me
tear my heart out
so I can't feel
the wanting
that is so unreal

tear my flesh
to start the pain
deny my soul
to stop again
forgive my sins
they're all the same
tear my flesh
what's in a name

tearing
the tearing
the wearing
is getting thin
the tearing
the swearing
the wanting
it's all within
the denial
is on file
is all right there
it's all in here

tell me you don't feel it too?


tear my flesh
to start the pain
deny my soul
to stop again
forgive my sins
they're all the same
tear my flesh
start over again

it's all the same
it's all a game
it's all insane
I'm going insane

going
going
gone


insane

trail of crumbs

how do I get there from here
what will I find when I get there
what path should I follow
this road is much to narrow?

How do I get there to you
will the feelings still be true
will the passion be unchained
or will the frustration still remain?

there's only one way back home
the trail of crumbs
I leave behind
so please, be kind

what do you expect of me
will this be passion or misery
what I want from you
the answer is within and true

there's only one way back to freedom
the trail of crumbs
We leave behind
free my mind

what if
there is
only one
way to
make this
alright

would you
would you
would you
do it

follow the trail of crumbs
that you leave behind
they may lead to something promising
they may even lead to ....... me

Beautiful even when you cry

When the emotions drive you aground
With the weight of world on your back
You have to find a means of release

After the daily grind gets you down
After the pressure’s endless attack
You have to find yourself some peace

There’s only so much you can take
In the end you may even break
You’re courageous for all you try
You’re even beautiful when you cry

In the challenging world you face
You put on your best game face
With the strength showing in your eyes
You’re even beautiful when you cry

When the ridiculous becomes the norm
With the absence of any support
You have to find a means of release

Like the calm before the storm
or a ship moored safely in port
You have to find yourself some peace

There’s only so much you can take
In the end you may even break
You’re courageous for all you try
You’re even beautiful when you cry

In the challenging world you face
You put on your best game face
With the strength showing in your eyes
You’re even beautiful when you cry

With the weight of world on your back
After the pressure’s endless attack
You’re courageous for all you try
You’re even beautiful when you cry

Location, location, location

When you have something to say
and you want to share how you feel
do it in the proper time and place
it doesn't make the feelings any less real

If impulse overrides common sense
and you happen to speak out of turn
apologize and do your penance
and consider it a lesson learned

The heart and the mind do clash
and perception can also be a key
laying it all on the line can be rash
and you will probably never succeed

sometimes it's better to leave things unsaid

little things

it's never the big things that keep us going
it's always the little things
what happens behind the scenes
the unheralded actions

like
waiting for a question
waiting on an answer
waiting for a moment
that will set you free.

like
a compliment when least expected
but most needed;
or a smile that lights up the day
when everything is a shade of gray .

like
the comforting silence
when words just won't do
and listening without a word
when venting is overdue.

it's not the big things
it's not the historic events
that get us through
it's the little things

mostly

I'd like to tell you that
my intentions are always pure
and that I strive for the greater good

mostly this is true

I'd like to say that
I'm hardly ever self absorbed
and I strive for equality

Mostly this is true

I don't have the courage to say
that I put myself above all others
and I watch for what may please me

Mostly this never happens

It is a very rare day when it does
and the results are never good overall
but satisfying

Mostly

long time, no see

Did you miss me?
Or are you just being polite?
Do you really want to talk?
Or should I be on my way tonight?

Did you miss me?
or is this all some sort of dream?
I want to see you again
but I don't know where you've been

Did you miss me?
Or am I looking way too deep?
Because I miss you
And I haven't heard a peep

from you
long time, no see

but I want
to
see


you

October setting sun

I am witness to a spectacular
October setting sun
cloaked in clear blues
deep oranges
and wispy filaments of gold

I see shapes among the fiery heavens
fossil-like skeletons
of dreams that never came true
shapes shifting and changing
like life's most important emotions

Quickly, too quickly
the colors chase the sun
fleeing across the darkening horizon
leaving dismal tufts of formless
dull gray patches in their wake

The evening leaves me colorless
an echo of the dead dreams I found
in brilliant hues within the sunset;
an impression of hope fading
like the golden evening sky

Whisper

I looked up
and you were there

unexpected
radiant
beautiful

you passed with a smile
such a precious smile
and a wave

then you disappeared

leaving me
with words unspoken

yearning for more
than only a whisper

of

you

twisted in silence

there are no words
there are no signs
there are no angels
there are no prayers

there is nothing
but the aching silence
that lives

between

us

I am, part VI: Changing

I am...

...getting more gray hair
...feeling the aches of the years
...feeling more comfortable with myself
...learning to let go
...trying to keep my focus
...not as hard on myself as I used to be
...wiser, though still a little foolish
...a better cook, gardener, and father
...still here
...willing to make changes for the right reasons
...unwilling to change for the sake of change
...evolving
...getting older, almost old

...not changing in one regard: I will not give up on myself
...

1000 tears

I must have cried a hundred times
since the day that we first met
you are always on my mind
you are someone I'll never forget

Through the ups and downs
the happiness and the fights
glorious fun filled days
and bitter angry nights

Tears of joy and tears of pain
peals of laughter from hallowed rooms
screams of anguish and empty pain
look of love dispelling the sense of doom

there is always room for you

I've shed my share of streaming tears
they've accumulated over the years
with the ebb and flow of all my fears
through it all, I am still here

I'm still here

with a tear on my cheek

waiting for you

the 1000 tears

for you


with you


because of


you
&
I

with you

I want to see your face
I want to kiss your lips
I want to
I want to
just let me
have my way

with you

I want to hear your voice
Would you call my name
I want you
I want you
just let me in
and have your way

with me

I want to kiss your lips
I want to hold you tight
I want to touch your face
and love you into the night
I want to kiss your hips
I want to hold you tight
I want to see into your eyes
deep into the night

I want to kiss your lips


You have the most beautiful face
you have your own style and a grace
you really turn me on
you really turn me around


I want to kiss your lips
I want to hold you tight
I want to touch your face
and love you into the night
I want to touch your hips
I want to hold you tight
I want to see into your eyes
deep into the night

just let me kiss you
this one time
and see
where it goes
from
there

isn't it only fair?
after all that I've been through

just give me a chance
with you

tonight

I don't believe I'm wrong

I know that it's not right

but I feel something strong

and I'll test that theory tonight



subtle signals
being sent from both sides
nothing is for certain
but tonight I have to try

to make this right
if only for tonight

Forget me nots

She asked me to send her
some forget me nots
but I couldn't

remember

her

name

Falling away

the entire universe
contained in a single tear
all our hopes and dreams
everything we hold dear

the entire relationship
summed up in a single tear
dying hopes and dreams
nothing left for me here

it's all falling
falling away

can't catch myself
I'm falling again
can't get a grip
I'm falling again

falling away
falling away

The precious heart will beat
to the drummer deep within
the soul gets pulled away
from forces deep below the skin

The precious heart will break
the drum head is wearing thin
the soul dies another day
as the will seeks comfort in sin

it's all falling
falling away

can't catch myself
I'm falling again
can't get a grip
I'm falling again

falling away
falling away

when will I be safely tied to this reality?

away from this age of endless misery?

I'm falling away

falling away

I'm falling away

from you

falling away from me

falling away

falling away

I am, part V: unheard

The thing about poetry is
that someone
who must be "someone"
has to take notice
and tell the world
that a poem is great
this someone is a mouthpiece
for the written word
without this someone
there is only a poem

unread
unknown
like a scream in the woods
unheard

The thing about attraction is
that someone
who must be someone
has to take notice
and feel the power
give in to the pull
believe the desire is worthy
that the affection is mutual
the feeling is real
otherwise the attraction is missed

unseen
unknown
like a scream in the woods
unheard

The thing about life is
that someone
could be anyone
has to take notice
and say hello
nod their head, smile
make their presence known
and acknowledge me
show that I exist
and I'm not insignificant

unknown
unseen
and like my screams in the dark

unheard

what am I worth?

I'm not a banker
or president of the world
I don't sell candy
or flags unfurled
I'm not a doctor
nor do I play one on TV
I'm just a regular joe
I'm just me

so when you look at the figures
and the truth be told
can you tell me exactly
at what price would I be sold?

what am I worth,


to




you?

like

what's stopping you
from taking that step
if you feel the way you do
what holds you back?

what is keeping you
from seeing the truth
the reality
the yearning?

maybe I'm disillusioned
a simpleton in a complex world
or maybe I'm too complex
for the simple world

witness the beginning
of the end
the ending
of the beginning

and everything in between

it's all been seen
and heard before
but you have the floor
so speak
or dance
show me what you've got
I haven't the time to play around
I want to hear your voice
the sound

of reason
or unreasonable
telling me
yes
or no

just talk to me
make me see
if this is what it needs to be

or if it is just fantasy

like so much

in this life

Show me

I don't believe in angels
I don't believe in devils
I don't believe
I don't believe

I want to see the angels
with the halos of gold
I want to see the devils
with stares so cold

Otherwise
I don't believe

There is no heaven
There is no hell

There is only life
Too short and too mean
There is only life
Quickly passed, a dream

I don't believe

There is no salvation
There is no redemption
There is only here and now
There is only temptation


What do I need to see?
What do I need to hear?
when will I feel the power?
Is that day near?

I believe
I believe in you
do you
believe
believe in me?

What do you see?
What do you need?
What does a fool believe?
Just ask me...

I feel the distance between you and me
Getting shorter
Maybe it's my perception
Hope is a tall order

After all
what should I believe in
show me the way

Blur: Another post I never wanted to write

For Ski, who left this messed up world too soon. We were with you, brother, and we're still here.

Blur

Spinning out of control
the world
the confusion
regret
apprehension
pain
the unknown
it all weighs so heavily
it's so heavy
Gets hard to breathe
Gasping
Buckling
Breaking
down
little by little
So heavy
this weight
on your shoulders
Dreams shatter
Relations sour
because of bad decisions
Need a moment
a second to
relax
to
breathe
Your machine takes you
down the final path
The wind in your face
cool, crisp
The roar of the motor
sings a melody
the rumble
comforting
soothing
fleeting
the machine
the man
man-machine
strong
no judgements
no pitiful glances
no lies

Just the truth
and freedom

and wind
and speed
man
machine
Man-machine
a release
a surrender
man-machine-wall
release
from the
pain

.....

those that remain
we're confused
pained
in the grasp of sorrow
agony, the toll of grief
you touched so many
you never really knew
you
never
really know

and you never will

it weighs heavy on us
so heavy

dizzying

like the world
is spinning out of control

like a blur

Dilemma

I wasn't sure what you meant
and you left so quickly
I had no idea what to do next

the options were many
and if I heard you correctly
you only wanted one

but which one?
what did I miss?

belief (lack thereof) - catch 22

I don't believe in a great many things
like god
but don't tell my family
they would be disppointed
or love
again, don't tell

I don't believe people change
I believe they choose differently
but inherently
they are the same

"I don't believe in destiny
or the guiding hand of fate
I don't believe in forever
or love as a mystical state.
I don't believe in the stars
or the planets,
or angels watching from above
but I believe there's a ghost of chance
we can find someone to love
and make it last."
Ghost of a chance- Rush

I don't believe I can make a difference
even though I've tried
I don't believe that good conquers all
that human rights are any better
than baboons fighting on the savannah

or that we all deserve anything at all
what could we possible do to deserve - anything???

I don't believe in a lot of things
but I believe in me
and I will be fair, and honest
and myself

and that is all I ask of you

but I don't believe you'll return the favor

honestly

be honest
with yourself
if no one else
be truthful
see yourself
as you are
don't make excuses
or apologize
you are you
we are all
ourselves
though we may try to hide
under cool clothes
or in cool cars
fancy houses
deep down
we're still
us
we are still
ourselves
so why try to disguise it
if people don't like it
too bad
be something
even if people hate it
be yourself
and if you're honest
you will be



yourself



there are no links to revisit the past
the past is gone
sometimes we need to move on
and be
ourselves
again

please

I've always tried
to do my best
to do what's right
but I get screwed
("you always get screwed in the drive thru")
but I didn't drive thru
this is for real
as real as it gets
but I'm being a melodramatic fool
again

why can't I just relax
and everything will work out
just like a toothache
it will all go away
won't it?

I bought into that bullshit before
but I can't take it anymore

just let me be happy
be happy for me
for once

behind the glass

windows of opportunity
open and close
with clocklike precision

we're sometimes unaware
of possiblilities, chances
until the windows close

we stare through the glass
window shopping
never buying

always buying into the dream
but dreams are for the sleepy
never awake

we can wait forever
for a chance
we're patient

but the chances are all around
we're just distracted
blind to the opportunities

that surround us
abound around us
slip by us

I stare through the pane
of another window
of another dream

will I make it through
will I realize the prize
inside?

The real killer

I stretched my neck away from my damp shirt collar
sweat trickled down my temple, across my eye
I absentmindedly wiped my eye with my forearm
also drenched in sweat
"I hate this friggin' heat"
"Hang tough. Once the punk comes out, we do the job and go get a beer."
Her tone said something else: quit bitching.
Even in the shade, the dogs sprawled out looking for cool earth
but there was none- no breeze, no rain, just heat
stifling unending heat and humidity
even the night sweats here
She perked her head up as a young man in jeans and a hoodie left the building
"Look at that joker. Christ, it's a hundred degrees and he has a sweatshirt on!"
She shook her head. The man lit a cigarette with cupped hands and exhaled gray exhaust
I leaned back in the seat and shut my eyes
My partner went back to the paper she was reading

Pow! Pow! Pow! I realized what the sounds were before I knew where it came from
My partners head rocked violently, then she sagged over her bloody paper
The second shot, fired milliseconds after the first, entered my right temple
ricocheted off an impossible angle in my skull, scrambled my gray matter,
and put me to permanent sleep before my head hit the steering wheel

The young man in the hoodie never had a chance
The killer fired his third shot a second after the first two,
an amazing feat of accuracy and marksmanship
The bullet shattered the cranium behind the kid's forehead, severing his brain before leaving a fist sized hole in the back of his head
He was dead before hitting the ground.

The last thing that ran through my head, prior to the bullet of course, was that we should be by his side, we should escort him to the car
We hadn't thought the plan through
It was too hot to think clearly
The damned heat had drained us, made us falter and fail
The goddamn heat was the real killer

the idiot dialogues: one

"I'd like to ask you something, but I have a feeling I'll screw it all up."
"Okay," she said, apprehensively,"ask away."
"Do guys get all stupid...no, stupid is too harsh. Do they get all tongue-tied and sound totally ridiculous around you?"
"No, why would they?"
"Because you're...and well, you're easy on the...uh...because you're beautiful." His cheeks blossomed.
"Oh. I see. Yep, they all get that way."
She smiled and started walking away.
She turned to me, speaking. "Actually, no they don't. Just you."


Revisiting the family of my past: Lineage

decay

bookshelves sag wearily
under the weight of a hundred
unread volumes

curtains dance wistfully
to the rhythm of a humid
summer breeze

mattresses slope gently
two indentations represent
sleepless nights

a faucet drips steadily
staining a ceramic basin
of generations

houses creak mournfully
yearning for a peal of laughter
from days gone by

weeds flourish happily
infiltrating every crack and crevice
of neglected pavement

trees rustle cautiously
fearful of waking the beasts
that spell certain doom

neighborhoods wither pathetically
decaying from a hundred cancers
that eat from within

cities crumble slowly
the earth swallows more pieces
every day

fields yield misery
resources all used up by
selfish creatures

a world is reclaimed by nature
after our natural demise
surprise surprise

we never did set things right



Revisiting me: Inspired by, Part III

just one time

what do you see
when you look at me?
it's not the same as a mirror
the reflection's just a little clearer

what do you do
when I look at you?
do you want to turn around
head for the edge of this town?

why can't you see what I see
when I look at you
why is this so decieving
I must be a fool

I would like to feel
If this paranoia is real
when they look at me
what do they really see?

I would like to know
the feelings they don't show
when they turn away
hide their eyes in shame

I'd like to know
just one time

what would you change
give me the whole range
the features, the looks the hair style
maybe my weight or my profile

what would you give
to exchange the life you live
for maybe minute
see how how deep we're all in it

why can't you see what I see
when I look at you
why is this so decieving
I must be a fool

I would like to feel
If this paranoia is real
when they look at me
what do they really see?

I would like to know
the feelings they don't show
when they turn away
hide their eyes in shame

I'd like to know
just one time


Revisiting my mental GPS: Position

a race never won, never one

an xray of
the nuts and bolts
reveals telling tales of
my disintegration from
the human race

the slowly turning cogs
of my inner mechanical workings
need periodic greasing
of a philosophical kind
to keep up with the human race

the intrinsic input
and regurgitated output
lengthen processing time
please wait, please wait
for the human race

the silicon and minerals
that carry the pulses
of binary overload
are trapped within the flesh and blood
of a human in a human race

the data and code
the frequency and uploads
upgrades and improvements
cannot keep up with
the human race

overclocked, understocked
and running out of time
I'm afraid the
I'm afraid the
I'm afraid the

system overload
system failure
universal failure
catastophic failure
human failure
human race
failure

ctrl-alt-del cannot fix this



Revisiting the past: They

Changes

you change the color of your hair

you wanted to add a little flair

It doesn't change you deep inside

where all the demons hide


you change the color of your eyes

It's something you wanted to try

to come up with something new

it doesn't change what's inside of you


Changes

on the surface

won't change what's within

you can look like an angel

and live a life of sin


changes

on the inside

matter most of all

you can act like an angel

while you ignore the warning call

I can't take these changes
I can't take these changes, anymore





Revisiting the past: cranial-silica

fate dealt a wicked hand

feel the flesh
tearing from bone
searing heat
bring it on home

feel the pain
the love - desire
agony
the body on fire

consuming all
presuming none
consuming hearts
resuming life

hear the crack
of limbs torn in two
fell the whack
take a swing or two

taste the blood
coppery and warm
take a smack
stars start to swarm

consuming all
presuming none
shadows fall
the deed is done

sit alone
in darkness or light
drink alone
nothing seems quite right

feel the flesh
tearing from the bone
no one's safe
not even at home

consuming all
presuming none
deleting all
it was for fun

consuming all
consuming me
manifest
destiny

it's in the cards


Flash from the past : Flicker

no dictionary can hold us

often times we are defined
not by who we truly are
but by what we do

our jobs consume
the better part of our soul
and leave us a husk

other times we are defined
by those we love around us
the circle we keep

but their demands and needs
can leave us unfulfilled
and alone

many times we are defined
by our actions, or words
or mannerisms

but words said in haste
or the faces we make
can alienate

some define us by
where we pray, what we wear
who were seen with

those depths are dangerously low
scratching a surface
reflected in a mirror

we define ourselves differently
like the expressions we make
and cannot see

we see the truth behind the masks
the longing and desires
the love hate and rage

we define ourselves
through our actions and deeds
our voices and needs

we define ourselves
through everything that is
us

we define
without definition
without distinction

for what others see
we see everything
our outline

as only we can define


Linking to the past: Native Winter

Click here to hear Native winter on Acidplanet.com

Let it go

Con man took your money
Preacher man took your soul
No one left to turn to
Nowhere left to go

Another woman took your man
eviction notice on your door
on your knees praying again
weeping silently on the floor

let it go
yeah
let it go

Boss man take your job away
Parents turn away from their child
Your hair is frizzy and your face a mess
clothes all wrinkled and out of style

let it go
yeah
let it go

You can't please anyone
anytime
they want a piece of you
better stand in line

and let it go
let it go

forget it all
to hell with the freefall
move on down
away from this town
let it go
pack it
stack
load it on up

let it go


Revisiting hope: Today and tomorrow

The first amendment

I recently enabled comment moderating because I occassionally get someone posting a comment that has nothing to do with my post (see the first comment under UFO below); they are just ranting about some idea or notion that they want to bombard people with.

I'm all against censorship, but everything has it's time and place. And my blog, my place, is not someone's podium or soapbox. Therefore, if you wish to express you theories, ideas or comments about anything other than my post, kindly do it elsewhere.

Blogger is free; get your blog and leave mine in peace.

U.F.O (trailer park blues - little green man edition)

I swear I saw it
in the midnight sky
lights flashing to and fro
I swear I saw it live

who will ever believe me
this is so surreal
they will all think that I'm crazy
that I don't know what is real

I swear I saw it
it came straight down
and it landed
firmly on the ground

when they came out
of their craft
they had such huge heads
that I nearly laughed at

but I made no sound
and I made no motion
I wouldn't be caught
I wouldn't be probed, yeah

who will ever believe me
this is so surreal
they will all think that I'm crazy
that I don't know what is real

The little green "men"
they wandered around
taking in
the life forms they had found

among all the rest
they had spotted me
and the rest, as they say
is history

who will ever believe me
this is so surreal
they will all think that I'm crazy
that I don't know what is real

don't come near me
put that probe down
don't come closer
I swear I'll tell no one

when they left
I was all alone
forcefully forgot what I saw
and what was done

but still in head
I could see everything
those little green bastards
had done to me

who will ever believe me
this is so surreal
they will all think that I'm crazy
that I don't know what is real

Revisiting the voice: vox

in a blink of an eye

slip of the lip
slip of the tongue
doesn't matter
the damage is done

slice of the blade
slice of the tongue
nothing ever
can be undone

wishful thinking
can get you only so far
it's just like wishing
upon your lucky star

hope and promises
fill the days to come
and leaves you with nothing
nothing done

slip of the lip
slip of the tongue
life is much to short
to live it unsung

rapier wit
words that stung
it's never to late
to get it all done

wishful thinking
and praying if you will
will lead to nothing more
than a life unfulfilled

wishful thinking
and counting on luck
will leave you with nothing
there's no such thing as luck

don't believe in miracles
or that people ever change
the more that you are hoping
the more things stay the same

place belief in yourself
and be a catalyst of change
control what you can
leave the rest to fate

it's not too late
it's not too late

don't hesitate
or the moment is gone

Revisiting the Stalker

3rd anniversary of this blog

This month I celebrate my third anniversary of writing this blog. I never imagined that I would be able to keep writing consistently for this long, but I am very glad that I stuck with it. Each milestone, be it another year or another hundred posts, pales in comparison to the happiness I feel with each poem.

Each post is a major accomplishment, a tiny bit of me or my world. It sometimes flows easily, but mostly it takes precious time. I feel it has and will be time well spent.

I hope you enjoy visiting here as much as I enjoy having you here.


Revisiting us, we

Purple

strong
sassy
deep
classy
cool
courageous
outgoing
outrageous
soft
loyal
sincere
royal
confident
aggressive
cunning
persuasive

shades of purple
shades of you


Revisting your time

Defense

There is no one beside me
or in front of me
or behind

I stand
alone
on this battlefield

my only
weapon
- my mind

No one will save me
or rescue me
I only have myself

I draw a deep breath
and exhale through
a broken smile

Nervousness
fear and courage
race through my being

I take the step
of
inevitability

I have to face these demons
and slay them
or be slain

I must fight them one by one
or me versus them all
together

Guerilla warfare
snipers
hand to hand

it is my battle
and it wages on
every day

I must fight the good fight
not for honor, or country or
god

but for myself
in order to

live

Revisting a past connection

lost

a momentary flicker
then a flash -
a collision of thoughts
untangled from the web
of thinking,
hanging alone in the breeze
looking for purchase
before the winds of time
rip it from its fragile mooring

and it sails away
a gossamer string of words

floating into the wilderness
of what was
what could have been
what will never be


Revisiting the past: melting

The new black

when did it become fashionable
to endure word verification
firewalls
passwords
deadbolts
mace?
Why is it normal
to understand that someone will work
incredibly hard
(harder than the real job they have)
without pay
just to hack a website
for fun?
When did we recognize that
food is not merely food
or art, or enjoyment -
it's science,
and we're not qualified
to select for ourselves
what's best for us anymore?
Watch the old black and white TV series'
see the families
communities
the world
and ask yourself
What happened?

Revisiting the black and white past: Sans map

Realization

Movement, slow and unrestrained
it leads you where it may
the motion and emotion
nothing can take this away
Yesterday, today, tomorrow
measures of hectic style
why try to fight it, step up from sorrow
wallow in love for a while
heat, ice, cold, fire
love, hate, resentment, ashes
opal, diamond, ruby, sapphire
lead and be lead
hard as water, soft as steel
don't be afraid, by what youfeel
speak the words, say them aloud
walk tall, stand straight and proud
hearts can talk without a voice
feelings can sigh, a lovers choice
yes and no, soft and hard
fast and slow, inch and yard
move to the light, feel the passion play
time in reverse, night to day
walking, running, lying down
crying, smiling, wincing frown
you, me, let's be free
alight the fire deep within
hold the torch, burn the envy
bad and good, prayer and sin
embrace the fear, release the love
awaken the urges, restrain the shove
move toward the greater beginning
away from the checkered past
rebuild the memories
don't be afraid to ask
nothing gained in nothing
be something some of the time
always someone, just one
two too many to try
never give it up
fight the urge to hold it back
bring it on, the fury
kiss it away down the less travelled path
lead and be lead, awaken the urges, nothing can take this away

Revisiting the past: yearn

Light Years Away

I live in
the distance and time
between
the kiss and emotion
in the last moment
we were together

I have seen
the past, present and future
between
the tears and heartbeats
of the memories
with us together

I dream of
the tastes and sounds
between
the sunshine and appetitie
of two minds
involved together

I can sense
the fears and tension
between
betrayal and adoration
in the hearts
of two together

I can ask
for absolution and peace
between
us and the miles
of separation
until we're together


Revisiting the darkness: Black

Dawn

Counteraction to an unexpected move
Forced reaction to a point that's moot

Blackened horizon burned with memories
Darkness is leaving the abyss slowly

No one moves quickly - the color drains from souls
Unexpected sudden ending - the last thing they will know

They walk into oblivion with heads bowed in despair
The world passes on though, and forgets we were ever there

Lifeless shells turn to dust and rust - they scatter in the wind
Sunrise breaks on peaceful lands - the cycle will begin

again


Revisting my inspirations: Neil Peart

freeze frame

I'm standing here
and the world
with frantic pace
flows past me
like movie cels
at high speed
and I'm in
slow motion
trying to gain speed
& alter my momentum

I push myself into the crowd

and no one notices
the obstacle in the tide
they move on, around me

like I don't even exist



Revisiting the past : Sorrow

broken and bruised

scratched and dented
battered and bruised

we live out lives
with nothing to lose

nothing to gain
little to prove

still we end up
battered and bruised

expectations on hold
inhibitions on the loose

cell blocks so cold
warm hangman's noose

the right to say nothing
the freedom to choose

the results can leave us
battered and bruised

alone in the silence
we snore and we snooze

ignore the reality
the life that we ooze

return to the present
the past full of who's

that left us scarred and damaged
broken and bruised


Rehashing the past: From the ashes...

March...like a lion

March has roared into my life again
and it's toting along several projects
like the bathroom remodel
and the cleaning of the family room
and garage
don't forget the messy shed
and what about the new workbench I need?

and we have a new puppy....

when do I have time to write?
or create music?
or paint?
It's been far too long since I painted
or created a song
or a piece of poetry

I sometimes feel like I'm going to miss something
like a poem (or song, or painting) will somehow escape me
and it will be lost forever
because I didn't sit down and just do it

we gotta eat (and I love to cook)
and the bathroom needs to get finished
like everything else
and did I mention the puppy?

I'm sure I'll figure it all out, get it all completed

a few precious words may slip through the cracks
I'll find those treasures another day
like an archeologist unearthing a precious relic
that only I will restore

I hope

if I have time


There's always April
(can't do much in those darn showers)


Revisiting the past: Bastard, now

Undone

angels grounded with iron hard wings

are a sign of what's to come



devils released from hell's deepest rings

prepare for the world undone



fairies and elves armed with arrows and slings

set ambushes in the sun



wizards and witches and magical beings

guide a hundred thousand kingdoms



and the fate they resist ever seeing

will be over before it's begun



the outcome, a mystery bleeding

will wipe out every last one



and the world will come


undone



Revisiting the past: Paranoid

deeper and deeper the cut

Does the writer know his words will be great?
We all strive for that goal
many times falling flat
other times sailing high on the wings of admiration
Is that enough?
Are there more reasons why
we toil
and stress
and tidy up dirty little lines
into beautifully sculpted stanzas?
Who benefits the most from these hard labors-
the lonely writer or the lone reader?

or does anyone at all...?



Revisiting the past: Men

dislocated

disoriented and confounded
discomfort sinking in
desperation long since past
desires never win
denizens of neverwas
deserve a second chance
destined to be never forgotton like me


Revisiting the past: Unintended

catching up

time has decided to elude me
and exclude me
from it's ever present
presence



Revisiting the past: Discovery

hurt

If I only had a voice
to say what you need to hear
If I only had the words
that would help draw you near

if only

If I only had the strength
to climb uphill for you
If I only had the means
to make the lies come true

if only

There was never a time
in my short history
that I ever did anything
just for me

There was never much need
for the feelings so alive
that haunt my every moment
and rain from my own sky


If only I had a voice
to ask for sympathy
If only I had the words
that could bring peace to me

If only I had the strength
to bring about the end
If only I had the means
If only I could pretend

that it didn't

hurt


Revisiting the past: My first post

Harboring

lurking within me

hidden and hiding
wooden and writhing

fugitives from my
emotional bank

robbed and pawned
for next to nothing

the leftovers wilt
inside my frame

stagnant and mouldering
decaying at the edges

absorbing little pieces of me
dissolving little bits of my soul

until I set them free




Revisiting the past: Totem

The answer lies within

the written word can deceive you
like the music that you hear
the difference lies within
the space between your ears

so take a second
take some time
to think it through
in due time

you will hear
the message
loud and clear

the spoken word can mislead you
like an ambitious broken heart
the difference can be subtle
you have to listen from the start

so take a second
take a little time
think the whole thing through
in due time

you will know
the right direction
from here to there

the answer lies within




Revisiting the past: Muse

Inspired by, Part V: The world

I'm inspired by the world's...

• differences
• similarities
• varying cultures
• unbelievable foods
• unbelievable beliefs (unbelievable to me, anyway)
• politics (from a distance)
• music
• clothing
• lands
• histories
• monetary units
• social systems
• cars
• oceans
• art
• and of course, the people

I suppose everyone is influenced by others in world, no matter how small the influence. It could be something as simple as appreciating one's freedom versus others that are oppressed. It could be a taste for a type of cultural food and cooking processes. How many people are inspired by great makers of music, international as well as on the home front, past and present?

The world, with all it's beauty and ugliness, inspires me in a billion ways that the reader will probably never know.

But I do....

Crutch

I’m not fast enough
I’m not smart enough
I will never be
Good enough
Good enough

It’s all in the genes
Abused ancestry
Have all left me - not
Good enough
Good enough

It’s just the way it’s been
Something’s will never change
It’s just the way it is
I have no power to change
I’m not
Good enough
At anything
Anything at all

Anything, anything at all

I’m not pretty enough
I’m not skinny enough
I will never make
Anything
Anything, of myself

It’s been handed down
Vicious cycle, Round and round
Incapable of
Anything
Anything at all

It’s just the way it’s been
I have no power to change
It’s just the way it is
Something’s will never change
I’m not
Good enough
At anything
Anything at all

What’s your excuse?
What’s your reason?
What’s your problem?

Everything happens (to you)
Because of someone else

Anything you do
You do due to ancient injustice

Nothing (anyone can do)
Will ever make it right

Wake up
Wake up
Wake up

It’s all a crutch

It’s time
To stand
On your own


Revisting the past (1/24/2007): Cruising

I am, part IV: Weary

I am growing weary of...

• stupidity, laziness and dirty people
• Hollywoods' self-importance
• steroid talk
• high gas prices
• the paparazzi
• home repair
• casinos, bars and pawn shops
• people who don't clean the snow off their cars
• the fact that everything I eat is bad for me
• my messy desk, garage, et al.
• my dreams that never come true (yet I still dream)
• my job
• reality TV (enough already...)
• people who can't (or don't) think for themselves
• my bad attitude
• myself sometimes
• this list
  

Revisiting the past: apology

dropped earth

an echo of the moment
captured in rings,
growing outward
away from a chaotic center
fading
until they disappear
into the fringe
of reflected sky



This is my submission of this poetry prompt.

Revisiting the past: Yulunga

Another one of those

"You should have a leather coat. It helps protect against this wind." He smiled when he told me this.

I looked at my old coat, then stared at the stranger speaking to me. I never asked for his opinion on winter outerwear.

"Yeah, thanks. I'll keep that in mind. " Great, another animal killing bastard. Why not wear a hat made out of baby seal too? I'm sure that will keep me warm. Slaughtering defenseless animals is a sin.

"You want fries with your double burger?" he asked.

"Sure, why not," I replied.


Revisiting the past:Shadow of a whisper

The master and the servant

the words bit
retreated
and bit again
swirling vortices
of unstructured grammar
untrained
dangerous
yet beautiful
and strong
I challenged them
set them in a row
rearranged them
the biting began anew
more and more
their numbers grew
I struggled
attempting to subdue
the uncontrollable
the wild
I managed
to teach them
format
the element of surprise
grouping
flow
simplicity
complexity
The most unruly
ones
still bit
on occassion
the wounds remind me
that I am not in charge
of the words;
they command
me



Revisiting the past -
What I wrote two years ago:
http://realityisimmaterial.blogspot.com/2006/01/ceremonial-mask.html

Hallowed halls

I walked among the ancient walls
absorbing the years of reverence
the history of footfalls
echoing throughout the corridor

I feel the weight of faith
the power of belief
I'm swayed towards the light
from my grounded soul

A man mopping the floor
asks if I need directions
I speak to him, amazed
that he doesn't feel the power

"This building presents
the delight of a
magicians trick; it also
holds the secrets of the illusion."

he turned and continued cleaning
I stood, mouth agape
my thoughts tangled
my heart racing

because I knew it was true



Revisiting the past:
What I wrote one year ago
http://realityisimmaterial.blogspot.com/2007/01/canvas.html

A new twist for the new year

Happy New Year to everyone. This year I am adding a little twist to my posts - at the bottom of the post, I will add a link to an older post under the heading "Revisiting the past."

I do this because I have been to many sites I enjoyed and it took forever to get through all the older posts. By adding a link, I hope to give readers a glimpse of my work over time without prompting them to visit the link history.

Here's to a year full of interesting writing, reading and art!

The Making

I have the urge to create

but I lack the vision
and insight

I don't have a goal
or purpose

that's not the problem
usually

I write spontaneously
without direction

like a drifter recording
many travels

from the farthest reaches
of my mind

a documentary
of emotions

with meaning only
for me

I have the urge to create
but I lack the means

of appealing
to the masses

Maybe my niche
is elsewhere

a smaller groove
my words fit into

a place off the path
another dimension

of the same universe
Frost wrote from

but mine points
in another direction

and it makes
all the difference

to me




Revisiting the past:
What I wrote a year ago

http://realityisimmaterial.blogspot.com/2006/01/internal-revolution.html