after the embers die

 Heartfelt desire

prompted by

burning

fire

the ashes stain

my

heart

Where?

 These lives we touch,

both directly

and

indirectly

where do they go,

when they

depart from

us?

4 X 50 is not 200

 Sometimes

it eats at me

until

I give in

Like the weak specimen that I am

That I can be

It erodes the barrier of resolve

and gnaws at the inner core

degradation

infatuation

addiction

addition

by

subtraction

I give a piece of me

even when I don't think I can

Even if no one cares

not a martyr

I would never

But someone who gives

even when

no one wants

me

the truth

 I've written posts

to add to a total

I've written posts

To create some kind of invisible boundary

between being good enough, or read enough

and being good enough, in actuality

I've written posts

so I can surpass previous years

So I can reach a new high

But no one reads them anymore

I've written posts

For an unseen audience

of many

of few

of one

of

me

I've written for you

whoever you are

How is that possible? 

I've written for me

I have

but that means nothing to you

the reader

I want

you 

to take my words 

and find meaning in

yourself

to open a layer

maybe undiscovered

maybe familiar

and feel

something

maybe you feel nothing

Maybe my words drop

like rain

hitting the ground

puddling, making life messy

they still mean

something

to 

me

Failure is an option

 We don't always win

We don't always place

Sometimes we don't show

We persevere

Truer, sadder words have never been spoken

We persevere

Because, that's what we do

Or we don't

Because there is always another way

and that way can be 

Failure

Failure is an option

If we don't fail

We don't succeed

If we don't fail

We don't learn

If we don't fail

We don't grow

Take away the negatives

If we fail

We succeed

If we fail

We learn

If we fail

We grow

Failure

Is

An Option

And sometimes

The only one

And it hurts

undiscovered

 there is so much in the world

the art

the beauty

the music the food

take a second

a minute

and try something

undiscovered

and discover something

about

yourself

Until the next miracle

 some times it's a thread

or just a shred

of decency

the point where

I can face the day

turning point for me

replacing the dread

I'm not dead

to the point

I can walk away

face another day

little bits of humanity

floating in a sea of disharmony

grab on and hold with all my life

because it depends on these

little moments of happiness

small reminders that all is not bad

little moments pain free

with some faith in community

I can hang on

my will draining 

until

the next miracle

sometimes it's the aroma of bread

or the color red

commonality

a point where

I can face the day

where all good points meet

replacing the dread

I'm not dead

to the point

I can walk away

face another day

little bits of humanity

floating in a sea of disharmony

grab on and hold with all my life

because it depends on these

little moments of happiness

small reminders that all is not bad

little moments pain free

with some faith in community

I can hang on

my will draining 

until

the next miracle

it never seems like much

what keeps me sane

it never feels like much

but I'm not the same

until

the next miracle

dance

 the harshness of the new reality

more than most souls can bear

the reality of the current harshness

bares more souls so bare

burning up

burning down

falling farther

than I ever felt I could go

this dance was all

was all for you

The crassness of my mortality

more feelings about how I care

the mortality of the crassness

cares more of the feelings I care

moving up

moving down

burning hotter

then I ever felt I could

this dance was all

was all for you

tear it down

deconstruct

build it

from the ground up

all for you

dance

all for you

burn

set it afire

all of it

there is nothing left to save

light it up

there is no comfort

no pity

no charm

light it up

love is afire

let it burn

there is nothing left to give

light it up

failure to launch

no fireworks

no charm

light it up

running from the inferno

fruitless endeavor

set my life on fire

and meet my desire

watch me

burn

skin

carve your name

into my skin

will never

ever make you

mine

carve my pain

into my skin

will never

ever make it 

mine

carry the world

on shoulders so thin

my back was aching

to make it

mine

burden of worlds

on a mind so thin

will never 

make it

mine

nothing to give up

nothing to give in

nothing else mine

nothing but skin

wishes vanish in to the air

like they were never there

leaving me with

skin

the same differences

 breathe

let it out

inhale

something new

exhale

the old

the used

the past

breathe

fresh

clean

unfiltered

exhaust

dirty

byproduct

reaction

clear

sky

air

lungs

mind

body

soul

filthy

sky

air

lungs

mind

body

soul

it's all the same

mind

 it's the music of our time

cacophonic melody of

destruction

of our piece of mind

insidious enemy

relentless agony

seize our future

peace of mind

masked up against 

microscopic threat

seize our breath

few pay any mind

vote for the hero

unleash the power

a veto of disease

few pay any mind

digesting the antidote

swallowed the pill

for humanity

and piece of mind

others keep floating

seas of ignorance

for eternity

with peace of mind

the tune changes

the notes play on

human race fading

disease pays no mind

on the same side

of the battle

on different sides

of the war 

and a piece

a peace

of mind

 

 

just because

 there doesn't have to be a reason

the words sometimes flow

they may not make much sense to you

or they may even touch your soul

who knows

the words spill out from my fingers

into the cloud of the unknown

like me

unknown

uncaring

except

I hope the words do get read

and they mean something

to someone

in the everlasting cloud

the ether better know as

the unknown

untitled

 unwritten book

unfinished song

unwritten rule

unfinished home

results

vary

I keep moving forward

stare to the horizon

look into the future

face it face to face

so much uncertainty

so much ennui

unwritten

unfinished

like life itself

Hell bent

 headlong into the fire

blinded by desire

the movement

automatic

the reflex

autonomic

the tears slow the flames

never stop it

the movement

automatic

the reflex

autonomic

unlock the secret

unlock the binds that tie

the tears slow the rage

never stop it

the movement

automatic

the reflex

autonomic

stand alone, stand together

stand for something

altogether

stand apart, stand alone

stand divided

altogether

tears slow the rage

never stop it

tears slow the flames

never stop it

the movement

automatic

the reflex

autonomic

the movement

the reflex

automatic

Angel

 She was an angel, even though I don't believe

they exist

she had a halo, around my heart

She was an angel, no matter what you think

she exists

she has a strong pull, within her circle

an angel, I don't believe

the lesser of two

 strip away the unreal

the dreams, hopes, aspirations,

dares, wishes, yearnings, fears,

butterflies, cold sweats, tongue tied moments, 

perception, rejection, acceptance and luck

that leaves you, left with

the real

reality

a reality 

sterile

black and white

no shades of color

darkness

without a chance of light

cold with no warmth

love without feeling 

life is hard

reality is harder

live in between

if you can handle it

you

 these moments, brief as they are

mean everything to me

more than

you will ever know

even if I tell you

it's so much more

than I could describe

with mere words

I'd have to paint with emotions

on a canvas of simple words

with a deeper meaning

and the threads that bind us

thin, strong, connecting

the very fiber of my soul

to the heartbeat of your center

with will and devotion and hunger

that is never sated

around you

A question

 Some people

tend to think

this is a tragedy

instead

of

natural

selection

I say it's both

But what do I know?

anything more

 I am not sure you even notice

the little things

so much time has passed

and the mileage increases

the wear on us, together

apart, alone, one

tears at our seams

and makes the belief

stronger than  it seems

fragile threads

holding together

and cradling something more fragile

it seems

do you ever notice

anything more 

or less

or 

ever?

still

 I've reached out

and received

no feedback

so important

to know where I stand

in the middle

of a battlefield

or life

I searched for clues

a test for echo

and still

I'm alone

surrounded by billions

yet

alone

so alone

in this desperate 

search

for something concrete

meaningful

real

I'm still 

broken, so broken

 some things can't be fixed

with the passing of time

some things can't be fixed

like a shattered mind

some things can't be spared

from the rages of time

some things can't be spared

like believing you're mine

some things can't be whole

despite all the worlds glue

some things can't be whole

it's got nothing to do with you

some things can't be fixed

some things can't be spared

some things can't be whole

it's broken, I'm broken

Last breath

Inhale

Exhale

simple, automatic

until, it's not

the strain of disease

the wear of years

slow the pace

hearts that once raced

beat erratic

or slower still

pressure lower

eyes closed

peaceful

or spasmodic

the weight of existence

along with systematic failure

crushing the system

the very source

of your

last 

breath

 Inhale.

Exhale.

then deafening silence

silence I cannot bear

to hear

glimpse

the image is burned into my mind

my heart, soul and being

the moment's grandeur 

splendid in it's simplicity

and complex beyond

imagination

my imagination 

getting the best of me

overwhelmed by curves

out of reach yet close

close enough to see

unseen, unknown

unfulfilled

with the yearning of

better times

welcome embraces

and curves

to see

to feel

to want

to have

to believe

to understand

be understood

closer

closer 

so close

close enough

to catch

a

glimpse

nowhere

gears rusted

stuck in a position

of disadvantage

the movements

halted in unison

disenchanted

a little oil

greases the wheels

of inertia

still we go

nowhere

gentle winds

unkept fields sway

hiding the wreckage

fire that raged

silenced in decay

old growth cleared

mountains crumble

avalanche of misery

rocky remains

still we go

nowhere

waves lap the shore

boats sink deep

anchored failure

island oasis

deserted dreams

unreachable now

hurricane forces

erode the landscape

of equality

still we go

nowhere

meteor crashed

alien absurdity

no new hope

astral projections

heavenly desires

obscured by doubt

feet grounded

eyes upward

heart racing

still we go

nowhere

 

on the wings of....

I could hear it
in the distance
the flapping,
heartbeat like - thump
thump, thump

of the devil's wings

or maybe angel's wings

It's so hard to tell
nowadays

I ran on dodging my poor decisions
and smart ones, alike

the sound, getting louder
closer, like the forbidden footsteps
of death at the door

but my fate would be worse than death
or life
or maybe not
can angels be evil?
can devils be kind?

I didn't want to find out
I rushed outside
only to find

the sound
of flapping
wings

...lies in disguise

There were dreams

and streams

consciousness

unaware

uncaring

unfiltered

undiscovered

so many

um, un

There is nothing

but the feeling

failure

failure

failure

reinforced

daily

so much music in me

unplayable

so much poetry

undecipherable    

so much

love

unrequited

unrequited

the daily toil

the earthen soil

that will cover

all of us

none of us

the select few

breathe

breath

breadth

aw man, shut the fuck up

whining crying crazy motherfucker

like the joker

it's a joke you wouldn't get

it's a fucking joke

I'm fighting

fighting

fighting

for my life here

stop laughing at me!

stop! 

I counted on you

I counted

I don't count

the numbers down add up

the numbers don't lie

the numbers

die

the only thing that can stop me

is me

or random circumstance

miracles are lies

in disguise

the endless lies

hope is for the hopeless

and dreams are for dreamers

but what about me?

The timing is off

I'm like an engine

that isn't running right

cruising along

unsteady, loud

I need an adjustment

from a qualified

person

to 

person

make me purr again

smooth out the rough

edges

the precision

that once ruled the mechanics

is off kilter

the steady roar

has been replaced

by whining and tears

An overhaul

of my engine

of me

is necessary 

to continue cruising

down the highway

and backroads

of life

failure

is imminent

the warning lights flash

mechanical failure

lifelong failure

what's the difference

another

another day, another chance
for the promise
of freedom
to be fulfilled
for this terrifying life
to be more relaxed
it's
out of my control

another second, another number
and I would have won
something
to help me escape
the inescapable
nature of genetics

another breath, another job interview
passed up, too much pigment
too little in common
things could be different
and I could breath again
if we were all blind

another hue, another tone
another wish to be accepted
the same as you
to live
without fear
of walking down the street
or driving without getting stopped
or dying
from
overreaction
brutality justified
by stereotypical ideals
rescind, rescind the nonsense
of yesterday’s slant
it's not the same anymore

another slur, another struggle
to make ends meet
without resistance
from you
powerless
raise my fist
offending you even more
raise yours with me

solidarity

but your fist is only
raised
in anger
another beating, another beat down
on the wrong side of a taser, or gun
another wrong, that was righted
whitewashed
by the media

another breakdown, another meltdown
the load so heavy
for being me, speaking the way I speak
and my personal truth
lies to you
still truth
unheard

another heart heavy, another heart

angry

injustice

prejudice

segregation

blurred lines of equality

rarely equal

the playing field tilts


guerrilla tactics are
never
the right answer
(until they are)

to the terrible question

no one wants to ask

because the answer

this world is not ready

for the answer

another heartbreak, another slander

another day in the life

of me

and sadly

you



I'm another
just another
in a sad line of many
others
another caged free man
woman, child
landlocked in captivity
for all to see
with all the rights
of another no one

liars

Whoever said big boys don't cry




lied

resistance

stop the darkness from overtaking
the brightness of this life

stop the ebb and flow
of the depths of despair
from overtaking
all that I have done
and all that is good
in this lonely sphere of existence
a desolate landscape of terror and regret

fighting the wraiths and tombstones
of the wishes and actions past

at war with the demons that tear and rip
of flesh and bone and everything
within my head

I am breaking free
captured in the steely grasp
the arms of futile endevors
promises unkept and spewed in anguish

the filtering of the light
the sinking feeling
the time for me

to face the

unknown

purchase

what am I grasping at?
what should I hang on to,
to survive?

When can I finally rest?
The exertion saps my strength
the uphill battle that Sisyphus
would gladly take
taxes me daily

I battle
I strive
I try

to be beaten down by
bullies
with the power
to make it so

I reach out, find my footing
and slip
yet again
on the mountain of expectation

it's only logical
to me

and me alone

I stand on an iceberg
on a collision course
straight into
the reality
of my situation

and it doesn't look good for me
400 tons of hardened
opinion

split my berg into
two
and three
shards of ice
and realization
sink to the bottom
of my soul

drowning
in disbelief
the meanness
of it all

for what?
why?
the eternal questions
that will follow me
to my grave
with grave intentions
I swallow my pride and
answer the question
on a slippery slope
of right and wrong

the aftermath
mine only

and I shrink in shame
filled with burning liquids
that help me cope
and sink
and clarify
the confusion
of my life
and my experiences

in to a picture perfect
cacophony of distorted
words and images
of denial and frustration

it's just another day

where I try to find a grip on reality
some where to hang on to
a purchase
of sensibility
in an uncaring, mean, insensible world
and more

mercy ungiven
mercy waived
the hammer falls
pounding away

at my
reality
and my sanity

keep pounding
and you'll get your way
as I slip

inter section

the lines we draw
with our experiences
and our lives
intersect so many others
some in reality
some on a four dimensional plane
and others in fantasy
we cross paths
of differences
time
similarities
emotions
feelings
beyond borders
or limitations
of space time
we fall perpendicular
in life
in spirit
in
continuum

we tangle
untangle
we move on
our lines constantly drawn
within
without
with abandon

the intersection of lines
the intersection of lives
so real
so imagined
the same

A light in the darkness

It's not time yet
but here we are, shining bright
beacons in the dark
fighting against the engulfing nothingness
showing that light does exist
in the coldest reaches
of our
space

unwanted prophecy

see the city spires,
within, the pious and unjust
blazing country fires
reduce the belt to rust

heroes falling harder than rain
angels without wings to fly
inflicting so much unneeded pain
no one should have died

the air is thick with tension and fear
acrid smoke shattered glass broken dreams
where do we go from here?
the future is more unsure than it seems

we've risen so high
and fallen so fast
the time is nigh
to make it last

or this may be the end for all of us

15 year anniversary of this blog

I've been writing, off and on, for 15 years here
I've shared my thoughts, dreams, nightmares, and words that rhyme

It's been a weird journey with plenty of followers
followed by plenty of time alone

still I write
for myself
for you
for anyone
for no one

I enjoy this, sometimes more than others
Sometimes less

My brain continues to spill out the words
that my heart continues to shape

for me
for you
for no one

for everyone

It's been a long a journey
and the road continues

into my heart
into my mind
into
oblivion

and beyond

feel

the harden shell fails
exposing the soft inner workings
of a man in tune with
his surroundings and life

the strife the life the wife
the destinations unknown
the wishes wished upon shooting stars
the times left all alone

rise beyond the barriers
settle in a uncomfortable zone
seek the elevated understanding
relate to more than one

the forsaken path and trajectory
the darkness that fills the space
in between the smiles and the tears
the miles of walking to reach something real

just to feel
alive

the hardened shell protects
the inner thoughts and dreams
of a man alienated
from the surroundings and life

The life the wife the strife
it's always outside the comfort zone
silly wishes that never come true
endless dreams of you

sink below the darkness
into a new elevated depression
the space is filled with demons
drowning to reach something real

Just to feel

When all is safe

I want to get out, to run, to shop, to eat
to forget the daily routines I'm stuck in
the same four walls, limiting, constricting, mocking
I'm stuck like them, stationary, unmoving

I can see the town, the streets I walked
the shops, cafes, the parks
I recall the aroma of food, the bustle, the children
I can sense them near, but oh so distant

I want to see them, to be them, to eat out
I want to escape the cozy prison I am enclosed in
I want to bid the walls adieu, so long, c'ya later
I want to be free

again


Hopefully soon



When all is safe


again

What is your secret?

So tell me
what is your secret? What do you desire?
Is it something so illegal? Or something immoral that fuels the fire?
What is the thing, that drives you? What do you require?
What is the secret?

Will is save you, or set you afire?

Burning bridges

There were bridges, burning
Broken hearts, full of yearning

Darkened rooms, of misery
Shed no light, on what's in me

Close my eyes
and block out the distractions
Take a breath
Lungs keep on contracting

Darkened rooms, of mystery
Shed no light, what's got into me

There were bridges, burning
I walked across, full of yearning

Fell down below, on the creek bed
Felt so alone, stuck inside of my head

Close my eyes
Block out the clear blue skies
Take a breath and
Try not to die

Darkened rooms, a mystery, of misery
Shed no light, on what's in me, got into me
Bridges burn , I lit them, on fire
Broken heart full of yearning, and desire

Close my eyes
Take a breath

Burning bridges
And hearts

For someone

The wishes for creativity remain
unfulfilled
The dark hope for answers to dreams undrempt
disregard

The sun rises on a starless morning
The moon sets on a lonely gray night
The stars hide behind veils of darkened fears
and the planets align, they align

for someone else
for someone

The wishes for exclusivity they drain
weak willed
The ashen faith for deities fair and knowing
no regard

The sun sets on a starless morning
The moon rises on a lonely gray plight
The prayers hide behind a veil of disbelief
and the families try, they try

for someone else
for someone

The wishes we wish we never wished
come true
The lingering hope that keeps us so afloat
drag down

The son rises on a starless morning
His room, a pristine sanctuary, violated
The stars positioned just out of reach
and the planets, they slowly die

for someone else
for someone

The wishes, they
The sun, the son
They

The stars, they
The moon, prayers

for someone else
someone

"Someone has to die", someone always has to die

If this was a movie
I'd be the dead guy
Wearing the red shirt
The unknown
Deceased

If this was a blockbuster
I'd be bystander #3
Unnoticed
Unseen
Dead

If this was real life
it would end the same

Disinfectant

It's time, America
To disinfect
from the inside

A piece of yesterday

Take a scrap of today
hold it close to your heart

Let it go when you must
Pull it back when needed

Move on to tomorrow
Leap forward from today

Go forth in confidence
with a piece of yesterday

The harbinger died

Now what?
Seriously, who will tell us what will come next?
The news?
The government?

Now that the harbinger is dead,
There is fear
and loathing
and a severe lack of toilet paper
but that doesn't matter

What matters is what is next
and what is to come
and if the harbinger is dead
Who will tell us?
Fate?
C'mon, really?

No way, I tap out
That harbinger needed to die
I'll tell you what's next
Life

Live like tomorrow is your last day
Cuz it may be

Live like you want to make your momma proud
Cuz you might do that

Live like there is something to live for
Cuz there is, always

Dead harbingers don't mean nothing

Nothing at all

All is lost

I had the great name for a song title
an instrumental
and I

Lost it

I think it was a line from a movie, or a few words spoken
And it was perfect

But I cannot remember it

I am wracking my brain, trying hard to remember
the situation
the content
the setting

Nothing

All is lost
All is
Lost

please

don't let me die for nothing




….




….





 (crickets)













Fuckers

Resignation

I resigned myself, to the fact
that this is how it is going to be
I may have wanted something a little different
maybe you did too

But, we push forth
and deal with what we have
I want to paint with you
and play music together
create music, actually
be silly and fall for each other

over broken chords on the piano
of the guitar, or bass

maybe make something that only we would remember

a song for two

Like that Fugees record that sold for so much
that only one person could enjoy

both of us could enjoy it

a duet, a shared voice of notes


but no

this is something different

and it's not bad

is it?

I am: Part VIII (Or 8, if you don't want to be fancy)

I am...
...still writing, less often but getting that itch again
...a little tipsy
...probably a disappointment to someone
...a music lover
...a music maker, sometimes
...a leftover, a sidekick, a circus freak
...strong like bull
...trying to get this right
...probably getting this wrong
...typing like shit, and correcting like crazy (I said I was tipsy!)
...an anchor, good or bad
...someone, and that was hard to type
...on the verge of laughter or tears
...flowing with the unexpected
...leaning into the winds of change
...withstanding the barrage of obstacles against me

I am
...to be continued, in words, or action, or breath

hope

tear me open, find that key I'm looking for
tear me apart, and reassemble me
forgive my sins and I'll forgive yours
but never give in, never give up

even though I want to quit
I haven't thrown in the towel
I haven't given up the ghost
I haven't stopped hoping

hope

intangible, infallible, faulty to a fault

I feel like giving in
then

hope

a life rope to a drowning mind
a calming presence in the chaos of my brain

and fictional as hell

The paradox of hope, when you're drowning alone,
is that it doesn't make you float
it saps your strength
makes your limbs heavy

like the burden that got you in the water
in the first place

it's what anchors you while drowning
flailing, thrashing about
making everything worse than it was
because you believe

and hope is responsible
it's why we smile as sink below the surface
hope will save us all
at the last moment

but by then
it's too late

for hope

because we're torn down, disassembled
without the key
to it all

hope

The empty grey

Hollowed ambition, unfollowed rules
Disregarded tradition, misguided fools

When the time for decisions arrives
Who will help you decide?
When a moment of greatness appears
Will you run and hide?

Nowhere to run to, nowhere is safe
Darkness enclosing, deep in the fray
Nowhere to turn, everyone is prey
Leaden perception, colorless day

the empty grey

Misguided ambition, disregarded rules
Unfollowed tradition, hallowed fools

When the times for action arise
Who will help you shine?
When the glory disappears
Will you run and hide?

the empty grey

Disregarded ambition, hallowed rules
Misguided traditions, unfollowed fools

When the time for decision arrives
(Nowhere to run, nowhere is safe)
When the moment of greatness appears
(Nowhere to turn, everyone is prey)
When the times for action arise
(Darkness enclosing, deep in the fray)
When all the glory disappears
(Leaden perception, no one is safe)

Unfollowed ambition, misguided rules
Hallowed traditions, disregarded fools

the empty grey

A fond memory, and a thank you

I never met Neil Peart, nor had I seen him perform live. He still had a huge impact on me. I am saddened by his passing, but happy I heard his songs, read his lyrics and enjoyed his books. Thank you for all you have given me and the world, Neil. I hope your years of hard work made you half as happy as it made your fans.

Here's a post I wrote long ago about Neil.


Inspired By Neil Peart