finite

we live for those moments when the planets are in line
and the heavens smile upon us with pleasing starshine

we yearn for those times when the cloudy skies turn dark
and when the attitudes fester and the words grow stark

we hide from the rain and the wind and natures indifference
like we hide from the pain of neglect and lack of interest

we fight against the cold and chill
and seek refuge from unbending will

we give in to the pain and give up on the dream
and live out a life of complacency

we spin in a circle of infinite dispair
wondering how we ever got there

we believe in the power of change
yet everything stays the same

our world shrinks from huge to tiny
our hearts ache, trapped infinitely

we live for those moments when the planets are in line
and spend our lives trying to relive that time

the luck ones have no idea
how lucky they are

Have a nice trip...Part III

I'm back at work, but I cannot do my job since I can't drive yet (damn cast). So I get to sit in the office all day and do projects.
You know what projects are, right?

Stuff nobody else wants to do. Period.

And I have four more weeks before I can put pressure on my leg again (ie., walk or drive.) Four more weeks. Of projects.

Falling down and breaking things sucks.

Be careful out there.

Or you'll be doing projects too!

Have a nice trip...Part II

It's been four (long, long) weeks since I slipped and broke my ankle. I had surgery two and a half weeks ago; I now own eight screws and a plate on my tibia and an extra long screw through both my tibia and fibula to stabilize my ankle and help the lingament and tendons heal. One of my ligaments actually tore off a piece of bone from the back of my ankle, and now it's back where it belongs and (hopefully) healing nicely. I just recieved my fiberglass cast. I'll have that removed in less than three weeks, then I get a boot. At least then I can stand in the shower! I cannot walk on the leg for another six weeks though. Bummer. Then I get to stretch everything and work on the leg muscles again, therapy, etc. I've been able to work on a project from home, and that's been great (I don't have to se the rest of my sick time.) I'll probably go back to the office after next week. Yippee. Ayway, that's the update. Thanks for all your wishes and thoughts.

burden

don't look at me like that
there's nothing I can do
It wasn't supposed to be this way
a burden to you

Little by little I'm moving forward
I'm doing the best I can do
I never meant to be a heavy load
such a burden to you

let me go
just let me go
free the load
let me go

the years have started to weigh
heavily inside of me
I never wanted it this way
burdens burning me

the years never really die
the actions cannot be undone
the redemption unfulfilled
burdens everyone

let it go
just let me go
free the load
let it go

shoulders sagging again
the weight bears down
hearts are dragging
the burdens abound

greener fields eagerly await
open hearts and minds
if we could only
leave the burdens behind

if only
let it go
just
let me go

parallel

the sky falls so eloquently
into my eager eyes
the tears fall so frequently
from darkned skies

be gone
get on your way
there's nothing left
here

bygone
era's have taught
there's nothing left
here

the night melts longingly
on the tip of my tongue
the bitter taste of failure
clouds the horizon

the forecast calls for pain
the diagnosis is rain

it's all the same

Have a nice trip...Part I

I try to be careful
I'm not reckless
I guess I'm just
clumsy

Reduced to a writhing pile
of human suffering
by something as innocent
as ice

I fell in slow motion
thinking "this can't be good"
when I heard it
the sound that still echoes in my head

As I dropped my foot went one way
and my body another
accompanied by the sound
of celery stalks snapping

only, I'm not made of veggies
And celery doesn't hurt
(It does taste awful, though)
Bones and veggies oh my!

I squirmed and looked down
my foot decided to look elsewhere
upset with me for my misstep
and the punishment it felt

I rolled over, realigning the broken ankle
more celery snaps, tears welled
and I wondered, lying on the cold sidewalk,
is anyone going to help me?

Help did arrive
and I will survive
when the pain subsides
and the pins (and screws) are inside

Until then (Tuesday, actually)
I'll lie here bored, swollen, and hurting
watching more tv than I ever had
amazed at the amount of idiocy televised

but that's another story...

Unintended

This moment of clarity
A minute of peaceful joy
Brings it all together
How it should be

This shining quiet moment
Uninterrupted
Alone

They will say they don’t understand
They can’t comprehend the reason why

But I see it clearly now
I cannot be happier

Just leave me be
Don’t wake me to this madness
The cycle of repetition
Of every day
Don’t wake me to this madness
The circles we follow
We’ve lost our way

Lost our way
But I found mine

A lifetime of crucial decisions
Defined by mistakes and missteps
Comes to a close
With no ovation or applause
We cannot have it all
We cannot have it all

A lifetime of critical decisions
Defined by inability and ineptness
Comes to en end
With no ovation or applause
We cannot please them all
We cannot please them all

In the end
We can only please ourselves
In the end
It’s only us, alone

That we answer to


This moment of stupidity
Of ultimate surprise
Cannot be defined
By unsympathetic eyes

This brief but peaceful moment
Unrehearsed
Unprepared

They will say I don’t understand
But I can comprehend the reason why

They see it clearly now
They cannot be sadder

Just leave me be
Don’t wake me to this madness
The cycle of competition
in every waking moment
Don’t wake me to this madness
The cycles we follow
We lost our way

Lost our way
But I found mine

A lifetime of crucial decisions
Defined by mistakes and missteps
Comes to a close
With no ovation or applause
We cannot have it all
We cannot have it all

A lifetime of critical decisions
Defined by inability and ineptness
Comes to en end
With no ovation or applause
We cannot please them all
We cannot please them all

In the end
We can only please ourselves
In the end
It’s only us, alone

That we answer to

We cannot have it all
Sometimes
We have nothing more
Than what we believe

Even if it’s lies

discovery

I opened an old box
long forgotten

It's sides told a story of use
sagging, soft, no corners

I accepted it's weight carefully
setting it down on the floor

My motions stirred the coat of dust
that cloaked the mystery

I gingerly opened the first flap
then the others, delicate yet strong

Amid the clippings and photos
trifle momentos and souveniers

I found something I had been missing
A piece of my heart

What have you found today?

totem

we all whittle away at life
each shaving is a moment
an experience
another whack at fulfillment
each stroke
molding our existence
sometimes with precision
other times with reckless abandon

many dwell on the shavings,
thinking the biggest are the best
others focus on the precision
the finer cut the more realistic
while some are intent on the blade
the sharper the better

who is right
and who is wrong

when each can carve
a beautiful sculpture

all their own?

Cruising

It’s funny, in that ironic sort of way
I could finally cruise along, content with events and my place
Life could be better, but it could be worse
That’s the irony, that I thought that
it did get worse
Someone stuck the rod of betrayal in my spokes, and I went flying
I thought I could land on the soft grass, or maybe some dirt
But no
I landed on the shards of a million broken dreams
And they tore my heart out
I guess it’s not that funny after all

paranoid

I can see you on the edge of my dreams
Hunting me
Hauntingly
Invading my every moment
Penetrating my very core
Persuading the masses around me
Until I finally lock the door

And hide

apology

I just want to apologize
(even though some think this is a point of weakness)
For all that I have done
Against you

But screw you
If you can’t take a joke

Canvas

The old year ended
a complete work - illustrated
through thought and action
and inaction
through deeds done and undone
with sunrises and sunsets
some rain and some pain
the ticking of life
captured
etched
in my memory
The new year begins
an incomplete work - empty canvas
waiting for my willing mind and hand
to complete it
with new hopes and dreams
renewed desires and interests
and promises unbroken
an opportunity to do it right
or do it again
or just
do it
a blank canvas
that holds a world
of possibilities
just like
the new year

Night Terrors

Screaming again
at the top of my lungs
Screaming again
out of control

Scared the hell out of myself
and everyone else in the house
Don't know why I'm screaming
Don't know what I'm screaming about

Jagged nerves
when I wake up
Embarassment creeps in
overtakes the terror

Can't fall back to sleep
can't stay awake
so I lay there quietly
and shake

for while
then sleep wins again
until the screaming begins

and it will

Wind

The day began with a biting wind
I tried to cover my face
The wind still found purchase

The afternoon winds calmed a little
They nipped more than they bit
Still, I remained covered

The evening winds brought snow
Sharp and brittle
As I sought refuge

The night winds slowly subside
leaving a serene, frigid landscape
and a frostbitten lonely man

Waxing nostaligic

It's been a while since I could help a friend
They're a rarity these days
not only the chances to help, but friends
I used to have more than I would ever need
Now, not so many
Joined lives have splintered into a million different directions
High school sweethearts and pals fade with each day
I wouldn't recognize most of the people I grew up with
It's been too long and I'm too far away
Adults don't make friends as easily as children
We're too guarded, suspicious, busy
Children are open, curious, full of wonder
They can forgive most grievences
Adults hold a grudge

Children smile
Adults grimace
Children often laugh
Adults often cry
Children play
Adults rest
Children believe
Adults deny

Children remember
Adults forget

Dialog 2

“I could have sworn my heart used to beat faster,” he said to her.
“How would you know? It’s not like you sit there and measure the beats all day,” she replied.
He looked at her, the same way he did when she first caught his eye.
It wasn’t the same.

“I just know.”

Cold Comfort

The wind carries another day away
As I watch the setting sun
The chill of autumn's stay
Penetrates everyone

Smiling in the fading light
I watch the stars slowly appear
Aware of the chill of early night
Basking in the silence I hear

The dying season arrives
The death and dormancy
Of fully lived lives
and normality

Close the door
Pull the shades
Stoke the fire
As images fade

winter will be here
soon

reply

the smile is nothing more than
a mask
worn to decieve, to convey,to convince
either the reader
or the writer
that what you see
isn't always what you get
and the truth lies there
vulnerable and wanting
like
each of us

connected

Satellite signal
Sends the music I need
And I gotta pay

Satellite signal
Fed through my tv
And I gotta pay

We all have to pay

There is nothing free
Anymore
Nothing sacred anymore
There’s nothing free
Anymore
Nothing under our control
We gotta let it go

Satellite signal
Straight to my brain
And I gotta pay

Satellite signal
Forecasting rain
And I still gotta pay

There is nothing free
Anymore
Nothing sacred anymore
There’s nothing me
Anymore
Nothing original
Anymore

Satellite signal
Tells me what to eat
And I pay

Satellite signal
Tells me when to sleep
And I obey

We all have to pay

Satellite signal
Scrambles my brain
And I'm pained

Satellite signal
Nothings the same
I should have got laid

There is nothing free
Anymore
Nothing sacred anymore
There’s nothing free
Anymore
Nothing under our control
We gotta let it go

There is nothing free
Anymore
Nothing sacred anymore
There’s nothing me
Anymore
Nothing original
Anymore

Acquiring

Satellite signal