I am, Part I - Chalk outline of me

I am...
...the pursuer, never the pursued
...the victim in a victimless crime
...the nice guy, in nice guys finish last
...getting gray prematurely
...the one who gets dumped
...the one who gets lied to and taken for granted
...the one with a soft heart, soft middle, soft head
...underestimated
...underappreciated
...outspoken, at times
...sometimes paranoid
...losing faith in my community, god, and humanity
...a good cook
...a decent artist
...learning to write
...learning, always
...systematic and logical
...a dreamer
...alone, even when I'm with you
...tall
...trying to guide myself with a broken compass
...lost
...moved by a great piece of art - be it music, sculpture, painting
...one who can break down a song by instrument, in my head, when I hear it
...rarely selfish
...one who wishes far too much
...falling asleep at the wheel.

Follow

She said follow me to the edge of always
On my soul she leaves fingerprints of future memories

in her dominion she leads me to the river of time
we watch our history rippling on the waves of years

once upon a time...

we scaled mountains of solitude
descended canyons of doubt
walked along the plains of gratitude
trekked through the forest of love

the mass of trees grew thin
like the weak heartbeat within
we avoided each others eyes
our words, wilted, fell to the ground

blanketed under the heavy snows of despair
and chilled by the downpour of hate
we feared the painful bolts of anger
we became ravaged by the fever of regret

yet, somehow, we found our way...

we reached the tropics of forgiveness
after varying degrees of guilt
approached the latitude of acceptance
and persevered the longitude of blame

now...

we swim in the sea of redemption
and bask on the beaches of devotion
after nights of anxious uncertainty
we awaken to each new dawn of hope

in the land of eternal dreams

demons

Numbing liquid
Shields my pain
Alone to face
Another day

Morning sunshine
Can’t reach inside
To shed some light
Where the demons hide

A simple truth
The simpler lies
Time spent, wasted
Rules defied

Passion dwindled
Visions blurred
Focus shifted
With hurtful words

Search for answers
I cannot find
To shed some light
Of demons minds

Search for purpose
Seek the truth
Days are passing
So is youth

Another day
Another lie
Feeds the demons
Where they lie

Close the bottle
Turn out the light
Forget the demons
For another night

sometimes human

a little too often, I forget
a little too often, I slip
lost my grip, on reality
lost myself, in fantasy

when the darkness fades away
the memories remain

Emotional nightmare of waking dreams
Alien landscape echoes with empty screams
That seem
Almost human
My screams
sometimes human

a little too quickly, I react
a little too quickly, I can crack
lost my hold, on certainty
lost my soul, for eternity

when the mind starts to stray
the agony gets inflamed


Emotional nightmare of empty dreams
Alien landscape echoes with waking screams
That seem
Almost human
My screams
sometimes human

a little too late, I escape
a little too late, I pray
lost my heart, it’s broken free
lost in time, my tranquility

when the anger burns to gray
the scars still remain

Emotional landscape of waking dreams
Alien nightmares echo with primal screams
That seem
Almost human
My screams
sometimes human

I seem
sometimes human

Eternal Optimist

I sit alone, pained
Disgusted with myself
For missing another rare chance,
to have a brief measure of time,
Alone,
with you

A moment
a mere second, possibly even -
a kiss - magical, simple, powerful
Maybe it’s only a dreamer’s dream,
a romantic’s whim…
a fantasy

Alone again
Trapped with the scenarios
of what I should have done,
could have done
didn’t do…

I grow hungrier for you,
your touch,
your eyes,
your perfume,
your taste

Wondering if…
what if…
maybe if…

but that makes me feel worse…

and better, ironically

A paradox of feelings
swept away with the clarity of second guessing,
when the moment has passed,
hindsight is perfect but the opportunity missed,
again

The rejection and fears linger,
they hold me back,
and I want to move in,
move close to you,
beside you,
around you,
within you

Swiftly, firmly, hungrily… finally…
…yet, the demons arise…

Would you reject me again?
A second time,
without a chance to feel you,
to measure your splendid figure
of graceful arcs and curves,
flesh and fire, heat and desire?
Never once a kiss
- quick, warm, hard –
heavenly with your perfect lips
A guilty pleasure, secret and divine
– a moment to savor when we can smile to ourselves,
later, when no one is looking -

Not even a brief span of time to hold you,
warm and close, heat rising, hearts racing….
Will there ever be a moment alone, again,
before the clock strikes the zero hour and everything changes?
A possibility to close the gap, embrace the truth, and each other…

What I wouldn’t do for a kiss!!!

Like some fool pulled into a game he cannot win,
and shouldn’t be playing, I sit alone

Again

Aching, wanting, yearning…
hoping for a fleeting chance, a singular instance,
a few seconds of bliss,
a flash of passion,
uninhibited, animal and reckless
satisfying, delicious, intoxicating

Have I let you slip through my hands like a dream?
A vision of you, superb and beautiful, admired and
wanted, wanted more than you will ever know

I can’t help but smile at what could have been,
should have been,
would have been…


Or what still can be…

Nothing

There’s a girl I used to know
She taught me all I needed to know
About nothing
She knew a lot about nothing

We’d drive down to the rivers edge
Watch the stars from a rocky ledge
And do nothing
A whole lot of nothing

We’d never say very many words
And the moment’s felt so right
So awkward, we’d dance to the rhythm
Of the swaying trees in the moonlight

She was a girl I used to know
The taught me all I needed to know
About nothing
She felt a lot of nothing

I walked down to the river’s shore
Saw her body by the river floor
And I did nothing
She told me to do nothing

She never said very many words
And she had given up the fight
I shed a tear and said goodbye
as she disappeared in the moonlight

She said do nothing

so I did nothing

They

Washed away
Spilled out with the tide
Vanishing
Into the lonely night
They say it’s always darkest just before the light

Pushed away
Angrily cast aside
Witnessing
The brutality inside
They say it’s always calmest just before the storm

But what do they really know?
Does their knowledge ever show?
These people that speak their minds,
What are they trying to hide?
What’s inside?

The stain remains
No matter how hard they scrub
Forever unclean
Like the basis of their love
They say you can never go home again

The hate remains
No matter what they do
Dysfunctional
Maybe even more than me and you
They say the end justifies the means

But what do they really know?
And who are they anyway?
And why do they speak?
And why do we care?