please

don't let me die for nothing




….




….





 (crickets)













Fuckers

Resignation

I resigned myself, to the fact
that this is how it is going to be
I may have wanted something a little different
maybe you did too

But, we push forth
and deal with what we have
I want to paint with you
and play music together
create music, actually
be silly and fall for each other

over broken chords on the piano
of the guitar, or bass

maybe make something that only we would remember

a song for two

Like that Fugees record that sold for so much
that only one person could enjoy

both of us could enjoy it

a duet, a shared voice of notes


but no

this is something different

and it's not bad

is it?

I am: Part VIII (Or 8, if you don't want to be fancy)

I am...
...still writing, less often but getting that itch again
...a little tipsy
...probably a disappointment to someone
...a music lover
...a music maker, sometimes
...a leftover, a sidekick, a circus freak
...strong like bull
...trying to get this right
...probably getting this wrong
...typing like shit, and correcting like crazy (I said I was tipsy!)
...an anchor, good or bad
...someone, and that was hard to type
...on the verge of laughter or tears
...flowing with the unexpected
...leaning into the winds of change
...withstanding the barrage of obstacles against me

I am
...to be continued, in words, or action, or breath

hope

tear me open, find that key I'm looking for
tear me apart, and reassemble me
forgive my sins and I'll forgive yours
but never give in, never give up

even though I want to quit
I haven't thrown in the towel
I haven't given up the ghost
I haven't stopped hoping

hope

intangible, infallible, faulty to a fault

I feel like giving in
then

hope

a life rope to a drowning mind
a calming presence in the chaos of my brain

and fictional as hell

The paradox of hope, when you're drowning alone,
is that it doesn't make you float
it saps your strength
makes your limbs heavy

like the burden that got you in the water
in the first place

it's what anchors you while drowning
flailing, thrashing about
making everything worse than it was
because you believe

and hope is responsible
it's why we smile as sink below the surface
hope will save us all
at the last moment

but by then
it's too late

for hope

because we're torn down, disassembled
without the key
to it all

hope

The empty grey

Hollowed ambition, unfollowed rules
Disregarded tradition, misguided fools

When the time for decisions arrives
Who will help you decide?
When a moment of greatness appears
Will you run and hide?

Nowhere to run to, nowhere is safe
Darkness enclosing, deep in the fray
Nowhere to turn, everyone is prey
Leaden perception, colorless day

the empty grey

Misguided ambition, disregarded rules
Unfollowed tradition, hallowed fools

When the times for action arise
Who will help you shine?
When the glory disappears
Will you run and hide?

the empty grey

Disregarded ambition, hallowed rules
Misguided traditions, unfollowed fools

When the time for decision arrives
(Nowhere to run, nowhere is safe)
When the moment of greatness appears
(Nowhere to turn, everyone is prey)
When the times for action arise
(Darkness enclosing, deep in the fray)
When all the glory disappears
(Leaden perception, no one is safe)

Unfollowed ambition, misguided rules
Hallowed traditions, disregarded fools

the empty grey

A fond memory, and a thank you

I never met Neil Peart, nor had I seen him perform live. He still had a huge impact on me. I am saddened by his passing, but happy I heard his songs, read his lyrics and enjoyed his books. Thank you for all you have given me and the world, Neil. I hope your years of hard work made you half as happy as it made your fans.

Here's a post I wrote long ago about Neil.


Inspired By Neil Peart

#300 Without an audience

The written word, unread
Means nothing, except
To those that wrote it

The spoken word, unheard
Echoes softly, until
The sound fades away

The plucked notes
Resonate in air, floating
Through the empty space

Afraid of what you may say
I play it for myself
Close to the chest
Without an audience

Unable to take a chance
I sing to myself
Close to my heart
Without an audience

The painted canvas, hidden
Strokes of my love
Vision of my heart

The pictures taken, focused
Beauty of my eye
Only I behold them

The prayers I pray, silently
To a deity of my design
Imaginary being

Afraid of what you may say
I pray for myself
Close to the chest
Without an audience

Unable to take a chance
I paint myself
Close to my heart
Without an audience

Irrational fear, failure
Intertwined, ingrained
Barriers as strong as steel

I close my eyes, breathe
Calm my nerves, release
Face another day

Without an audience

Christmas Eve

Believe
Christmas Eve
So easily deceived
A peaceful reprieve
Warm memories
A cold winter breeze
A moment to seize
yearning to be free
Christmas Eve
What it means to me
Is not the same to you, it seems
Fallen snow and shattered dreams
Believe
The time before the new year rings
and all the hope it does bring
open mind, heart to possible things
Christmas Eve
What is meant to be
for you and for me
Different paths and dreams
but tonight
in the glowing light
we bask in the memories
Christmas Eve
Some of the magic has lost it's luster
Despite all the effort we are willing to muster
The body is willing but the heart is weak
after years of forecasts, so bleak
Heartfelt memories lost in a sea of fights
No one was spared not even Christmas Night
Believe
This is the moment to seize
A memory to freeze
A nod to future memories
Christmas Eve
A wish upon an angels ear
May salvage something we hold dear
a dream of you
Christmas Eve

Subtle

It is a million little things
Not just one thing that stands out
Slight movements and gestures
Some of the words that leave your mouth

It's the enormous time you spend
looking down at your phone
It's how you hardly ever look at me
when we are home alone

You don't notice me
Noticing you
You don't think it shows

You don't appear to care
and that hurts the most
You don't think it shows

All these subtle things
Nothing to noticeable
But clearly, noticeable
So subtle

The way you kiss my lips
The far away look in your eyes
Desperate loneliness
More subtle signs

It's not a million different things
Just the few that stand out
Lack of movement or gesture
The failure of words out of your mouth

With me, little time spent
Too much time on the phone
I try to come in
Seems like you're never home

You don't notice me

Noticing you

You don't think it shows

You don't appear to care

and that hurts the most

You don't think it shows

All these subtle things

Nothing to noticeable

But clearly, noticeable

So subtle

The way you kiss my lips

The persistent look in your eyes
My desperate loneliness

More subtle signs

It's a million little things

And nothing at all

Subtle

As a kick in the balls

Saying Goodbye

Been so long, the years slip by
It's so difficult, I can't even try
Been so hard, the tears I cry
Unusual, I can't explain why

Moments etched in memory, memories etched in time
with all the miles between, you were never far from mine

Until now

Saying goodnight one final time
A farewell kiss on the lips of a dream
Close my eyes and you're still here
It's hard to say goodbye

My favorite song, when I close my eyes
Takes me there, right by your side
Been so long that I've had a cry
Unusual and I can't explain why

Moments etched in memories, memories etched in time
With all the miles between, you're never far from mine

Until Now

Saying goodnight one final time

A farewell kiss on the lips of a dream

Close my eyes and you're still here

It's hard to say goodbye

You didn't have to leave me, even though you haven't been around
We had so much to say, I'll never hear the sound

Your voice is an echo, of a distant memory
Your touch a celebration, of better days for me

Moments etched in memories, memories etched in time

With all the miles between, you're never far from mine

Until Now

Saying goodnight one final time

A farewell kiss on the lips of a dream

Close my eyes and you're still here

It's hard to say goodbye

Time lapse

It's supposed to last forever

Until it doesn't....

Then it seems to drag on forever.

I am: Part VII (An eleven year update)

I am...
Writing today
Still getting gray...grayer
Optimistic that I have talent
Hurting like everyone else
Hurting like no one else
A grandfather, 3 times over
Still married, for almost 3 decades
Watching my oldest dog fall apart
Still rocking, and rolling
Writing for me
Writing to hopefully inspire one person, to share their dream
passion,
or their soul,
anonymously would be fine

Frustrated at work
But love my job
What I do, I do well
No bullshit, most of the time

I am.....
Still alive and kicking
Thrashing about internally
Externally
Eternally Optimistic (that sounds familiar)
I am

I

The Fall

There was a time when I felt I could conquer the world

Traverse mountains, plant flags that unfurl

Naïve, headstrong and young I could do it all

So much left undone, so little pride before the fall

before the fall

Asleep at the wheel, the captain of my dreams

Nothing seems real, nothing is what it seems

I wished to be a hero, someone you valued so much

but that didn't happen, I have no such luck

after the fall

I feel the empty spaces

the silence that threatens my sanity

I fill the void between

what I want and the true reality

with hope

but not much else

Overestimating my worth to you

Overstepping my inner boundaries

I step out of time again and again

to feel safe

navigating by some broken inner compass

I move forward

I think

Until the fall

that undoes

it

all

Status Update

Tell what you think

Tell me I should pray

Tell me what you did

Tell me what you ate

Post another pic

Of your child’s little face

Post another link

Of a political race

Tell me everything

I never wanted to know

Tell the world everything

It’s important that we know

Tell me

Tell me all your thoughts

Tell me all your dreams

Tell me where you went

My page is busting at the seams

Post another link

Another useless quiz

Recipes for drinks

The buzz in show biz

Tell me anything

Like I should really care

Tell the world anything

Right or wrong or fair

Tell me

Limited characters

Unlimited posts

Inane banality

And dirty little jokes

Tell me

Tell me

Tell me

Tell me

Everything

Irreversable

I wrote because
a bullet to the head
wasn't possible

but I wouldn't have stopped it

I don't have guns
for that reason

I have no desire to die
but there are times
I die
before really dying

I have been moved
by emotion
hormones
imbalance
life

I had moved
relocated
reset
readjusted

but am still
here
adjusted
maladjusted
reset
beset
on all sides
by

well you know
that old chestnut

I didn't
but did
want
to die

a walking
talking
dead man

immortal mortal

conflicted
constricted
without hope
yet hopeful

how fucked up is that?

I still have
to be careful

what I write might get read

and reread

retread

and someone might actually
care
and be there

when I am gone

or before that happens
a flash of lightning
a brief glimmer of hope

sometimes that is all I need
to release
the trigger

of the gun
I do not own
and will never posses




because I know what will happen

irreversible
action

anchors

too long adrift
on a pointless journey
this precious gift
a pointless journey

tied a little too tight
limiting movement
want to break free
limited movement

the anchors that tie us down
set us free
anchors that close us in
open us up
anchors that prevent movement
push us along
anchors that weigh so heavily
lighten our load

lighten our load

ideas way too stiff
for flexibility
souls way too bereft
inflexibility

cornerstone
built upon drifting sand
time flies by
cascading, drifting sand

the anchors that tie us down
set us free
anchors that close us in
open us up
anchors that prevent movement
push us along
anchors that weigh so heavily
lighten our load

lighten our load

that which weighs so heavily
sets us free

Theoretic

Not real
or not real enough
Just feel
Or just feel enough

The push and pull
tug of war
The good and bad
what lies before

I open
a new door
only to land
on the floor

cliche'd
abundant
risky
redundant

What to believe
when belief has done no good
What to assure
when assurances fell like wood

What to rhyme
when I have no time

Just get poetic
or theoretic

zero

Why couldn’t I be enough?

Why couldn’t I be strong enough?

Why couldn’t my best be good enough?

Enough

Why couldn’t I make you happy?

Why couldn’t you let me go?

Why couldn’t I walk away?

Why

When does it all come together?

When does the yearning stop?

When will all the pieces fit?

When

I should have walked away back then

I should have run away when you said

When you said

Touching me made you sick

When you did everything to tell me it was over

Except say it was over

I should have run, never looked back

I should have walked into the sun

So many “should have dones”

Could of, would of, should of

Hindsight, yeah it’s so clear

But it wasn’t for all those years

Discarded, unwanted, inadequate

Square peg, Round hole

Forcing, splinters

Piercing my heart

Falling apart

Falling away

Tears

Falling

I never knew how alone it could be

With you by my side

Invisible

Push over

 

I just wanted to be your hero

 

Not an absolute

 

 

zero

Lineage

I hold the large black and white picture in my palms,

my arms spread
to accommodate for its size and fragility
The worn edges crumble lightly, sending a cascade
of history, battered and yellowed, to the floor
I stare through water stains at a young man, unsmiling;
he wears the garb of a World War One soldier,
all creases and wool, leggings and boots
his right hand rests on the edge an ornate table
his left hand hangs at his side, fingers drawn
a single ring adorns his left hand
one his sleeve, two chevrons point to the floor
a single ribbon sits atop his pocket
he bears no name tag
the image conceals his height
he is young and slender
his hair closely shorn on his skull
his expression reveals nothing
no anger, pride or humor
he stares ahead
with a Mona Lisa expression
not a smile, not quite serene

I stare at the man
I can see my father’s eyes
but all resemblance ends there
this man is a stranger
that lived with us for the final
few years of his life
as a frail old man
he would walk everyday
and get lost in the neighborhood
we’d try to help, my brothers and I
by pointing him in the right direction
when he went astray
but he got angry at us on our bikes

the young man in the photo is a stranger
like the old man who lived with us
like my father
the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, they say
I hope that someday
when someone holds a tattered
yellowed picture of me
they will see a familiar
a family member
a relative
and someone will share a story
or an anecdote, or a smile
and I will be something more
than
a
stranger

Re-creation

I am rebuilding remodeling remolding me I am retooling refueling rethinking myself I am reminded reguided refocused on me I am refining redefining resigning the old me I am recentering relearning returning to myself, me