journey to nowhere

like forces of nature
emotions turn us from the norm
and who has the skills
to forecast the next storm?

we're at the mercy
of what goes on inside
we think we're the captain
it's all just foolish pride

no one can navigate
the islands that dwell within
the water's too choppy
the ice a little too thin

expeditions are met
with disappointing ends
we should have listened to family
we should have followed our friends

and just live our lives
with no need for explanation
live fully and ride the waves
like the rest of the nation

but I keep making the journey
and looking for the source
the wellspring of feelings
I haven't found it of course

like searching for the famed
fabled fountain of youth
I am seeking my own
deeper inner truth

sadness

"once bitten
twice shy"
thrice bitten
rotten way to die
but I lived
and was bit again
and nipped
each time
tearing the flesh
draining the lifeblood
each time
tearing my soul
depleting my reserve
but I kept walking
through the door
like I had the answer
confident to a fault
I would fix this

how do you fix one thing
when it's actually two different things?

blind and deaf
I ignored the inner voices
and what i could see

I would repair the damage
I didn't inflict

I would repair the damage
I didn't deserve

I would repair the damage
deemed too severe

I would

keep walking through the door

I believed the words
full of deception
dishonesty
lies

I believed you again
and again
and again
again

broken records don't repeat
as often as I did

walking through the door

I dreamt of driving
straight out of town

stopping only when necessary
no destination in mind

just distance

and when i got out of the car
I walked through the door

the fights were awful
brutal
often

there were reasons for them

but I ignored the facts
I could fix it
I could be the answer
the answer to your prayers
but you didn't pray
not for me
and I kept walking through the door

day after day
the same routine
the same forced smiles
the same lies

I recall making love one night
(although to be fair,
it was having sex at that point)
and you had no energy
no enthusiasm
you lay, still, cold

later you said I repulse you
I still hear the words
I wanted to vomit
sick to my stomach
those words made me, and make me

I kept walking through the door

The times you stayed after work
and you weren't there

the excuses
the situations
the denial

massive amounts of denial

you never could just say it
you never could just speak the truth
you never wanted to hurt anyone
but you did, constantly

we sat on the front porch
and talked about what each of us would take
when we separated

but we didn't

we both kept walking through the door

you weren't happy
you were scared to tell the truth
about your feelings
that you wanted out

so you went out
again
and again
and again

the whole broken record
repeat
repeat
repeat

and it hurt
both of us
all of us

it hurt everyone

and it still does

I fight it
I say that things will get better
I convince myself that this is different

and I walk through the door

when will I open my eyes
and see the trap behind the door?

the same hole I keep falling into
like a bad dream
floating towards a bitter end
nothing to grab
nowhere can I find purchase

just adrift towards an inevitable end

I am a fool
and fools fall
right through the door
again

I never wanted it to be about me
but it was all along

we're never as good looking, smart or heroic
as we think we are

we're never as charming, or slim or good
as we set out to be

we're never quite the same image
of what we see in our minds

and when we look into the mirror
of other people's eyes

we don't like what we see
unless they are saying

what we want to hear
distorting what is real

creating the image
we hope we are

helping us achieve
the ultimate lie

Wicked

the means to the end
were manipulated by the one
trusted soul, without remorse
driven by self satisfying
delusions, reckless abandon
and wanting

beings intermingled
in heated desire
amid the tragedy

the actions
the ideas
the movements

graphic
obscene
beautiful

the emotions
the feelings
the wanting

graphic
obscene
surreal

and the one
the chosen one
self chosen

directing every nuance
indulging in every
pleasure

cedes to the
realization
that

nothing planned
nothing plotted
nothing yearned

could ever be
this good
this intense

or

wicked

giving up

where do I begin
and where do I end?

what is happening?
how my will does bend

I'm giving up
and giving in
to the fact that I
cannot win

in this life

where did I go wrong
and where did I go right?

and what did I do
to push you out of sight?

I'm giving up
and giving in
to the fact that I
cannot live

this life

When I tried to make amends
where did I go wrong?

When I tried to show you love
you danced to a different song

and songwriter
and the dance has never been the same

I'm giving up
and giving in
to the fact that I
don't fit in

I'm giving up
and giving in
to the fact that I
finally surrender

to the ghosts
of your
indiscretions

remnants of the phoenix

unintentional incident
of ridiculous proportions
unintentional accident
of heartfelt emotion

took a chance
took a shot

shot down
in flames again
free falling
in flames again

unrequited attention
to unabashed beauty
unintentional explosion
of heartfelt emotion

took the step
took the shot

shot down
falling again
in flames
in flames again

unexpected reaction
of brutal honesty
unintentional foolishness
growing inside of me

took a chance
took the shot

shot down
in flames again
falling again
shot down in flames

rise from the ashes
ready for another flight
rise to the occasion
ready for another fight

shoot me down
I'll get back up again
set my heart aflame
I'll be back again

silence

sometimes there is so much to say
that the words get tangled
jumbled and confused
paragraphs become random sentences
sentences are reduced to nonsensical fragments
fragments thin out to individual words
words that float about freely
unchained from their original ideas
but still somehow connected and powerful

beautiful

regret

glimpse

hope

understanding

relief

fear

eyes

promises

heart



The words say it all and say nothing
they never get spoken
because I once said

I wouldn't mention it again

before it started

what was I supposed to say
it wouldn't have mattered anyway
What was I supposed to do
It was going to be done without you

There's no reason
to be brokenhearted
it was over
before it ever started

who am I supposed to blame
even though everything is the same
what am I supposed to do
just pretend it was never you

There's no reason
to be so hard headed
it's better today
no matter where it was headed

just close my eyes
and fantasize
about what could have been

if it wasn't for
wasn't for

just close my eyes
and realize
about what still can be

so much more
much more

There's no reason
to be brokenhearted
it was over
before it ever started

it never ended
so there is still
a
chance

ask

if you could only see
what goes on inside my head
than again,
maybe it's better if you didn't

you probably wouldn't understand
I would try to explain
translate the images
for you

if you would only


ask

insane

ripping
gripping
agonizing
evermore

tear my flesh
to stop the pain
deny my soul
to start again
forgive my sins
they're all in vain
tear my flesh
start over again

the tearing
the tears in my eyes
the searing
the hope despite
circumstances
beyond all control
still I hold out
I really have to know

tear my flesh
to start the pain
deny my soul
to stop again
forgive my sins
they're all the same
tear my flesh
what's in a name

play the game
stay the same
deny the flame
it's all insane

play the game
try to refrain
it's all insane
it's all the same

tear my eyes out
so I can't see
what it is that
you are doing to me
tear my heart out
so I can't feel
the wanting
that is so unreal

tear my flesh
to start the pain
deny my soul
to stop again
forgive my sins
they're all the same
tear my flesh
what's in a name

tearing
the tearing
the wearing
is getting thin
the tearing
the swearing
the wanting
it's all within
the denial
is on file
is all right there
it's all in here

tell me you don't feel it too?


tear my flesh
to start the pain
deny my soul
to stop again
forgive my sins
they're all the same
tear my flesh
start over again

it's all the same
it's all a game
it's all insane
I'm going insane

going
going
gone


insane

trail of crumbs

how do I get there from here
what will I find when I get there
what path should I follow
this road is much to narrow?

How do I get there to you
will the feelings still be true
will the passion be unchained
or will the frustration still remain?

there's only one way back home
the trail of crumbs
I leave behind
so please, be kind

what do you expect of me
will this be passion or misery
what I want from you
the answer is within and true

there's only one way back to freedom
the trail of crumbs
We leave behind
free my mind

what if
there is
only one
way to
make this
alright

would you
would you
would you
do it

follow the trail of crumbs
that you leave behind
they may lead to something promising
they may even lead to ....... me

Beautiful even when you cry

When the emotions drive you aground
With the weight of world on your back
You have to find a means of release

After the daily grind gets you down
After the pressure’s endless attack
You have to find yourself some peace

There’s only so much you can take
In the end you may even break
You’re courageous for all you try
You’re even beautiful when you cry

In the challenging world you face
You put on your best game face
With the strength showing in your eyes
You’re even beautiful when you cry

When the ridiculous becomes the norm
With the absence of any support
You have to find a means of release

Like the calm before the storm
or a ship moored safely in port
You have to find yourself some peace

There’s only so much you can take
In the end you may even break
You’re courageous for all you try
You’re even beautiful when you cry

In the challenging world you face
You put on your best game face
With the strength showing in your eyes
You’re even beautiful when you cry

With the weight of world on your back
After the pressure’s endless attack
You’re courageous for all you try
You’re even beautiful when you cry

Location, location, location

When you have something to say
and you want to share how you feel
do it in the proper time and place
it doesn't make the feelings any less real

If impulse overrides common sense
and you happen to speak out of turn
apologize and do your penance
and consider it a lesson learned

The heart and the mind do clash
and perception can also be a key
laying it all on the line can be rash
and you will probably never succeed

sometimes it's better to leave things unsaid

little things

it's never the big things that keep us going
it's always the little things
what happens behind the scenes
the unheralded actions

like
waiting for a question
waiting on an answer
waiting for a moment
that will set you free.

like
a compliment when least expected
but most needed;
or a smile that lights up the day
when everything is a shade of gray .

like
the comforting silence
when words just won't do
and listening without a word
when venting is overdue.

it's not the big things
it's not the historic events
that get us through
it's the little things

mostly

I'd like to tell you that
my intentions are always pure
and that I strive for the greater good

mostly this is true

I'd like to say that
I'm hardly ever self absorbed
and I strive for equality

Mostly this is true

I don't have the courage to say
that I put myself above all others
and I watch for what may please me

Mostly this never happens

It is a very rare day when it does
and the results are never good overall
but satisfying

Mostly

long time, no see

Did you miss me?
Or are you just being polite?
Do you really want to talk?
Or should I be on my way tonight?

Did you miss me?
or is this all some sort of dream?
I want to see you again
but I don't know where you've been

Did you miss me?
Or am I looking way too deep?
Because I miss you
And I haven't heard a peep

from you
long time, no see

but I want
to
see


you

October setting sun

I am witness to a spectacular
October setting sun
cloaked in clear blues
deep oranges
and wispy filaments of gold

I see shapes among the fiery heavens
fossil-like skeletons
of dreams that never came true
shapes shifting and changing
like life's most important emotions

Quickly, too quickly
the colors chase the sun
fleeing across the darkening horizon
leaving dismal tufts of formless
dull gray patches in their wake

The evening leaves me colorless
an echo of the dead dreams I found
in brilliant hues within the sunset;
an impression of hope fading
like the golden evening sky

Whisper

I looked up
and you were there

unexpected
radiant
beautiful

you passed with a smile
such a precious smile
and a wave

then you disappeared

leaving me
with words unspoken

yearning for more
than only a whisper

of

you

twisted in silence

there are no words
there are no signs
there are no angels
there are no prayers

there is nothing
but the aching silence
that lives

between

us

I am, part VI: Changing

I am...

...getting more gray hair
...feeling the aches of the years
...feeling more comfortable with myself
...learning to let go
...trying to keep my focus
...not as hard on myself as I used to be
...wiser, though still a little foolish
...a better cook, gardener, and father
...still here
...willing to make changes for the right reasons
...unwilling to change for the sake of change
...evolving
...getting older, almost old

...not changing in one regard: I will not give up on myself
...

1000 tears

I must have cried a hundred times
since the day that we first met
you are always on my mind
you are someone I'll never forget

Through the ups and downs
the happiness and the fights
glorious fun filled days
and bitter angry nights

Tears of joy and tears of pain
peals of laughter from hallowed rooms
screams of anguish and empty pain
look of love dispelling the sense of doom

there is always room for you

I've shed my share of streaming tears
they've accumulated over the years
with the ebb and flow of all my fears
through it all, I am still here

I'm still here

with a tear on my cheek

waiting for you

the 1000 tears

for you


with you


because of


you
&
I