I am: Part VII (An eleven year update)

I am...
Writing today
Still getting gray...grayer
Optimistic that I have talent
Hurting like everyone else
Hurting like no one else
A grandfather, 3 times over
Still married, for almost 3 decades
Watching my oldest dog fall apart
Still rocking, and rolling
Writing for me
Writing to hopefully inspire one person, to share their dream
passion,
or their soul,
anonymously would be fine

Frustrated at work
But love my job
What I do, I do well
No bullshit, most of the time

I am.....
Still alive and kicking
Thrashing about internally
Externally
Eternally Optimistic (that sounds familiar)
I am

I

The Fall

There was a time when I felt I could conquer the world

Traverse mountains, plant flags that unfurl

Naïve, headstrong and young I could do it all

So much left undone, so little pride before the fall

before the fall

Asleep at the wheel, the captain of my dreams

Nothing seems real, nothing is what it seems

I wished to be a hero, someone you valued so much

but that didn't happen, I have no such luck

after the fall

I feel the empty spaces

the silence that threatens my sanity

I fill the void between

what I want and the true reality

with hope

but not much else

Overestimating my worth to you

Overstepping my inner boundaries

I step out of time again and again

to feel safe

navigating by some broken inner compass

I move forward

I think

Until the fall

that undoes

it

all

Status Update

Tell what you think

Tell me I should pray

Tell me what you did

Tell me what you ate

Post another pic

Of your child’s little face

Post another link

Of a political race

Tell me everything

I never wanted to know

Tell the world everything

It’s important that we know

Tell me

Tell me all your thoughts

Tell me all your dreams

Tell me where you went

My page is busting at the seams

Post another link

Another useless quiz

Recipes for drinks

The buzz in show biz

Tell me anything

Like I should really care

Tell the world anything

Right or wrong or fair

Tell me

Limited characters

Unlimited posts

Inane banality

And dirty little jokes

Tell me

Tell me

Tell me

Tell me

Everything

Irreversable

I wrote because
a bullet to the head
wasn't possible

but I wouldn't have stopped it

I don't have guns
for that reason

I have no desire to die
but there are times
I die
before really dying

I have been moved
by emotion
hormones
imbalance
life

I had moved
relocated
reset
readjusted

but am still
here
adjusted
maladjusted
reset
beset
on all sides
by

well you know
that old chestnut

I didn't
but did
want
to die

a walking
talking
dead man

immortal mortal

conflicted
constricted
without hope
yet hopeful

how fucked up is that?

I still have
to be careful

what I write might get read

and reread

retread

and someone might actually
care
and be there

when I am gone

or before that happens
a flash of lightning
a brief glimmer of hope

sometimes that is all I need
to release
the trigger

of the gun
I do not own
and will never posses




because I know what will happen

irreversible
action

anchors

too long adrift
on a pointless journey
this precious gift
a pointless journey

tied a little too tight
limiting movement
want to break free
limited movement

the anchors that tie us down
set us free
anchors that close us in
open us up
anchors that prevent movement
push us along
anchors that weigh so heavily
lighten our load

lighten our load

ideas way too stiff
for flexibility
souls way too bereft
inflexibility

cornerstone
built upon drifting sand
time flies by
cascading, drifting sand

the anchors that tie us down
set us free
anchors that close us in
open us up
anchors that prevent movement
push us along
anchors that weigh so heavily
lighten our load

lighten our load

that which weighs so heavily
sets us free

Theoretic

Not real
or not real enough
Just feel
Or just feel enough

The push and pull
tug of war
The good and bad
what lies before

I open
a new door
only to land
on the floor

cliche'd
abundant
risky
redundant

What to believe
when belief has done no good
What to assure
when assurances fell like wood

What to rhyme
when I have no time

Just get poetic
or theoretic

zero

Why couldn’t I be enough?

Why couldn’t I be strong enough?

Why couldn’t my best be good enough?

Enough

Why couldn’t I make you happy?

Why couldn’t you let me go?

Why couldn’t I walk away?

Why

When does it all come together?

When does the yearning stop?

When will all the pieces fit?

When

I should have walked away back then

I should have run away when you said

When you said

Touching me made you sick

When you did everything to tell me it was over

Except say it was over

I should have run, never looked back

I should have walked into the sun

So many “should have dones”

Could of, would of, should of

Hindsight, yeah it’s so clear

But it wasn’t for all those years

Discarded, unwanted, inadequate

Square peg, Round hole

Forcing, splinters

Piercing my heart

Falling apart

Falling away

Tears

Falling

I never knew how alone it could be

With you by my side

Invisible

Push over

 

I just wanted to be your hero

 

Not an absolute

 

 

zero

Lineage

I hold the large black and white picture in my palms,

my arms spread
to accommodate for its size and fragility
The worn edges crumble lightly, sending a cascade
of history, battered and yellowed, to the floor
I stare through water stains at a young man, unsmiling;
he wears the garb of a World War One soldier,
all creases and wool, leggings and boots
his right hand rests on the edge an ornate table
his left hand hangs at his side, fingers drawn
a single ring adorns his left hand
one his sleeve, two chevrons point to the floor
a single ribbon sits atop his pocket
he bears no name tag
the image conceals his height
he is young and slender
his hair closely shorn on his skull
his expression reveals nothing
no anger, pride or humor
he stares ahead
with a Mona Lisa expression
not a smile, not quite serene

I stare at the man
I can see my father’s eyes
but all resemblance ends there
this man is a stranger
that lived with us for the final
few years of his life
as a frail old man
he would walk everyday
and get lost in the neighborhood
we’d try to help, my brothers and I
by pointing him in the right direction
when he went astray
but he got angry at us on our bikes

the young man in the photo is a stranger
like the old man who lived with us
like my father
the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, they say
I hope that someday
when someone holds a tattered
yellowed picture of me
they will see a familiar
a family member
a relative
and someone will share a story
or an anecdote, or a smile
and I will be something more
than
a
stranger

Re-creation

I am rebuilding remodeling remolding me I am retooling refueling rethinking myself I am reminded reguided refocused on me I am refining redefining resigning the old me I am recentering relearning returning to myself, me

picture perfect

like an old black and white
day and night
we contrasted
yet focused

the exposure
and subsequent zoom
exhilarated us
framed our desires

like a flash bulb
we burned intensely
double negatives
making a positive

the chemicals
balanced
the brightness
profound

the results
picture perfect

wishful thinking

ever search for something
for so long
put forth so much effort
that when you finally
found what you were looking for
you had no idea what to do next?

you feel like you come to a complete stop
and expect a miracle
or a miraculous change
but nothing is different
it's still the same old you
only
more empty.

I feel like that sometimes.
I don't know why I search when I know I will only
be left feeling sad
and empty
and lonely.

harbinger

she spoke in hushed tones
not to me
but around me

I could hear her voice in the wind
the trees, the grass
she spoke in whispers

and rhymes,
"time and time herein"
she repeated in every natural tongue
"you failed me yet again"

I cried and listened and shook
she spoke the truth
on the petals of a rose
and the barb of the thorn

she revealed the wishes
never granted, never fulfilled
of a gentle heart and open mind

she cursed the day and wept for the night
branches trembled at her fury
but clouds calmed her resolve

"you will see me again"
she foretold with a glass surface stillness
and she laughed

shrill echoes shattered the stillness
drowned out by distant thunder
then peace

yet there is no peace
for her
or me

until we meet again

on the brink

a whisper
only an idea really
implanted
by a figment of wind

a ghost of a thought
just passing
through the ether
onto the edge of consciousness

a blink of an eye
movement of
a hummingbirds wing
a flash - it's gone

leaving only
a whisper

I'm not

I'm not alive
though I breathe
I'm not dead
though I 'm numb
I'm not blind
though I see
I'm not real
though I am here

I'm not a lot of things
And I will be one more
as
a

finale

introspection

undernourished
overexposed
under suspicion
over exerted

sometimes I can't get it right
and I look deep inside
and my inner child is weeping

sometimes I can't get enough
and I look deep inside
and my inner child is sleeping

underwhelming
overfed
under the gun
over the hill

sometimes I can't get away
so I look deep inside
and my inner child is laughing

sometimes I can't get focused
so I stare deep inside
and my inner child is cracking

that little bastard needs to die....

19

so small
the number

so vain

so incomplete

I wish you larger
but time is a killer

it speeds when I slow
no where to go

I've tried
oh God I've tried

but belief is weak
and the pull is great

don't judge
like you know me
don't mock
like you care
don't
just don't

if you want ot make a difference
then talk to me

and maybe
just maybe
19
would be so much more

will we ever know?

Gone

hop
like a bunny
hop
to catch me

I'm a fast motherfucker
It'll never last though
like last evenings snow
I'll diminish

then I'm gone
like the westerly wind

jump
like a silly fool
jump
to catch me, tool

I'm a slick little bastard
within my realm
never know when
I'll show again

soon I'm gone
like your favorite song

hide
like a small child
hide
life is wild

until the dawn breaks again
living within this sin
fingers pointed away
I can never stay

I'm gone

Faces

Faces
filling spaces

Faces
fulfilling graces

faces
I will never see again

random chances
circumstances
unspoken thoughts
forget-me-nots

quickening pulses
minuses and pluses
smiles endearing
heart never fearing

crowded places
shining faces
time goes by
it seems to fly

images transferred
feelings deferred
yearning badly
wanting madly

the faces
I will never see again

the death of a dream

i had always hoped
for a common bond
a heart to share the word

the beating goes on alone
becomes the tattoo of the sadness
that engulfs me

and the search continues
til my dying day

destiny

daggers and words
strike fear
into the hearts of the man
so brave

brevity is the word of the day
keep it simple and quick

I believed the word of a liar
does that make the liar more so,
or me the even bigger
fool?

who knows what lies in the heart of men
only the
darkest of horrors
that dwell in the shadows

begone
flailing doubt
cast aside like so many
unwanted emotions

i know for sure the truth
or perceived truth
before it happens
premonition of the days to come

without the security of a safety net
on the bar high above the anxious crowd
my heart beats for each of you
as it cannot do for me alone

be still, fool, breathe and relax
for the line is thin
and the walk is long
and tomorrow is not a promise to anyone

i close my eyes and dream
of a place
not far from my dreams
alone and welcome

and I drift off
never to be heard from
again