I am, Part X1

The learning process

never ends

The asking of forgiveness

And making amends

The cycle

continues

I am (Part Xi)

 There is so much more

to live

to explain

to learn

to feel

that i just can't begin

I'm stifled

I'm heartbroken

I'm stalled

show me the way

show me the meaning

of 

love

Cowardly Lyin'

 I wanted to face my fears

I wanted to succeed    

There was only you between

me and my destiny

and you won

congrats

you got your way

and it only cost me

everything

Lights

 The light came on

I hoped for additional life

Or a chance

Of fate

 Nothing is

Ever what

It

Seems

Demon

 My biggest

Demon

Is

Me

I am, part 10

 Not sure

Not real

Not aware

Not finished

Not

Done

Or maybe I am

I am (Part 9, or IX)

 I am

...drunken

...Hopeful

...an idiot 

...still a dreamer

...cooking up something special

...going out of my way to please you

...ever vigilant

...grayer, older, non the wiser

...still in love

...unsure why you couldn't talk to me

...hopeless and hopeful

...still searching for that ultimate peak

...afraid of finding the end

...done for now, goodnight

Value

 It's never the same

It's never as good

We want to relive the ways

And feel that we should

It's never the same

It doesn't matter

Who's to blame

Emotions scatter

The wind picks up

and sends signals down

The heartbeats quickens

Smiles from lonely frowns

It's all about

What we care for

What we need

the value 

in you

And

me

Wanting

 I gave my heart out

for free

You held it in your hand

Briefly

But you let it go

I never let you go

I still want you

You to want me

Measure

 Sleep comes easy for some

But others yearn for forgiveness 

Love and loss of abandon 

Measures never quite full

But enough to sate

The wanting heart

I drink you in

You push away again 

The dance continues 

Different beats

Different songs 

Same measure

No help from above

 Angels

Blinded by their

Undeniable faith

Can be assholes

She sailed the ocean blue

 She dances

In a lace dress

On the edge of the abyss 

A child older than possible

A woman defined by time

And injustice 

Falling

Not falling

It's all the same here

In eternity

The captain honors

Her dance

And she dies a thousand deaths

Before she dies 

Another language 

Another custom

Another day 

 

Tedium

Boredom

Death

The seas claim another soul

In 

Absenteeism 

Beauty

Horror

Waves

Shock waves 

Through my heart

My soul

My life

Responsibility 

Options

 Faded colors

that bleed

into the soul

Faded commitment

that bleeds

into my heart

Wither or not

Without 

in

 the colors are all wrong

and the wind blows from within

wreaking havoc on my heart

and the spaces in between

indecision

in utero

in decisive

improper

the plaything decides not to play back

the future looks dark indeed

the decisions of our forefathers weight

on minds devoid of conscious thought

the bruises hide well

the evidence of hatred and sin

wreaking havoc on my life

and the relationships within

away

 Breathe in the words

the meaning of my, life

Single handed obsession

Regard digression

Close my eyes

takes me back

Close your eyes

Take you away

There is no common ground

There is nothing to share

There is nothing left here

Be on your way

Breathe in the meaning

The words of my, life

Single handed digression

Disregarded obsession

I evacuate the location

Of my current state of mind

Relocated within

And without reason

Close my eyes

Close your eyes

Take us 

away

disconnection

we used to make a spark

we had a fire burning

between us

but now there is only chilly air

and the distance grows

between us

I tried to make the connection last

but selfishness proves too strong

I tried to give in but I gave up

and nothing will ever last this long

without

a decent

connection

Letter

 I read your letter

it's stuck in my head

I felt the words you wrote

I felt the dread

And the scene you described to me

And the tale you decided to tell

shook me up

The elders at the table

with the flowers so blue

The decision to fall from

Heights beyond me and you

the crushing blow

the end of the breath of life

the devastation

the endless strife

I read your letter

and I cried more than a tear

I read your letter

and now I'm here

at the edge of the ledge of eternity

a step away from redemption

A breath away of uncertainty

and literal freedom

I step back

and punish all

who stay alive

exposed

 nude

in front of the 

entire world

voiceless

among the screams

deafening

embarrassed

and bare assed 

the same

eyes closed

heart open wide

let me know

I stand before you

I stand beside you

exposed

Scourge

 Wipe us out

in masses

or one by one

Wipe us out

Even the score

The earth is fighting back

creating viruses

and diseases unknown

And we can do nothing about it

Our own hubris

will be the end for us

Wipe us out

With new variants

Old favorites

and the plague

Wipe us out

Kill us all

The evil and innocent, alike

The angels and the demons

The just and unjust 

The mighty and the powerless

will all fall

to the final

scourge

Itch

itch

unable to scratch

tingling, teasing

invisible

sensation

unable to reach

endless, relentless

unyielding

aggravation        

helpless

unable to mend

tickling, annoying

unwavering

exhaustion

unable to sleep

with this

unyielding

relentless

tingling

itch