belief (lack thereof) - catch 22

I don't believe in a great many things
like god
but don't tell my family
they would be disppointed
or love
again, don't tell

I don't believe people change
I believe they choose differently
but inherently
they are the same

"I don't believe in destiny
or the guiding hand of fate
I don't believe in forever
or love as a mystical state.
I don't believe in the stars
or the planets,
or angels watching from above
but I believe there's a ghost of chance
we can find someone to love
and make it last."
Ghost of a chance- Rush

I don't believe I can make a difference
even though I've tried
I don't believe that good conquers all
that human rights are any better
than baboons fighting on the savannah

or that we all deserve anything at all
what could we possible do to deserve - anything???

I don't believe in a lot of things
but I believe in me
and I will be fair, and honest
and myself

and that is all I ask of you

but I don't believe you'll return the favor

honestly

be honest
with yourself
if no one else
be truthful
see yourself
as you are
don't make excuses
or apologize
you are you
we are all
ourselves
though we may try to hide
under cool clothes
or in cool cars
fancy houses
deep down
we're still
us
we are still
ourselves
so why try to disguise it
if people don't like it
too bad
be something
even if people hate it
be yourself
and if you're honest
you will be



yourself



there are no links to revisit the past
the past is gone
sometimes we need to move on
and be
ourselves
again

please

I've always tried
to do my best
to do what's right
but I get screwed
("you always get screwed in the drive thru")
but I didn't drive thru
this is for real
as real as it gets
but I'm being a melodramatic fool
again

why can't I just relax
and everything will work out
just like a toothache
it will all go away
won't it?

I bought into that bullshit before
but I can't take it anymore

just let me be happy
be happy for me
for once

behind the glass

windows of opportunity
open and close
with clocklike precision

we're sometimes unaware
of possiblilities, chances
until the windows close

we stare through the glass
window shopping
never buying

always buying into the dream
but dreams are for the sleepy
never awake

we can wait forever
for a chance
we're patient

but the chances are all around
we're just distracted
blind to the opportunities

that surround us
abound around us
slip by us

I stare through the pane
of another window
of another dream

will I make it through
will I realize the prize
inside?

The real killer

I stretched my neck away from my damp shirt collar
sweat trickled down my temple, across my eye
I absentmindedly wiped my eye with my forearm
also drenched in sweat
"I hate this friggin' heat"
"Hang tough. Once the punk comes out, we do the job and go get a beer."
Her tone said something else: quit bitching.
Even in the shade, the dogs sprawled out looking for cool earth
but there was none- no breeze, no rain, just heat
stifling unending heat and humidity
even the night sweats here
She perked her head up as a young man in jeans and a hoodie left the building
"Look at that joker. Christ, it's a hundred degrees and he has a sweatshirt on!"
She shook her head. The man lit a cigarette with cupped hands and exhaled gray exhaust
I leaned back in the seat and shut my eyes
My partner went back to the paper she was reading

Pow! Pow! Pow! I realized what the sounds were before I knew where it came from
My partners head rocked violently, then she sagged over her bloody paper
The second shot, fired milliseconds after the first, entered my right temple
ricocheted off an impossible angle in my skull, scrambled my gray matter,
and put me to permanent sleep before my head hit the steering wheel

The young man in the hoodie never had a chance
The killer fired his third shot a second after the first two,
an amazing feat of accuracy and marksmanship
The bullet shattered the cranium behind the kid's forehead, severing his brain before leaving a fist sized hole in the back of his head
He was dead before hitting the ground.

The last thing that ran through my head, prior to the bullet of course, was that we should be by his side, we should escort him to the car
We hadn't thought the plan through
It was too hot to think clearly
The damned heat had drained us, made us falter and fail
The goddamn heat was the real killer

the idiot dialogues: one

"I'd like to ask you something, but I have a feeling I'll screw it all up."
"Okay," she said, apprehensively,"ask away."
"Do guys get all stupid...no, stupid is too harsh. Do they get all tongue-tied and sound totally ridiculous around you?"
"No, why would they?"
"Because you're...and well, you're easy on the...uh...because you're beautiful." His cheeks blossomed.
"Oh. I see. Yep, they all get that way."
She smiled and started walking away.
She turned to me, speaking. "Actually, no they don't. Just you."


Revisiting the family of my past: Lineage